Old and New Jokes

1. Coca-cola was originally green.

2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.

4. Dumbest dog: Afghan

5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2

8. Amount American Airlines saved in 87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

9. City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong

10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%

16. Barbies measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%

19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%

20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC

21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%

23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%

24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%

25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105

26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%

29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3

32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7

33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%

34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%

35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%

36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.

38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon

40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage

42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

43. Only food that does not spoil: honey

44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)

45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig

48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

51. Polar bears are left-handed.

52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

53. Eskimos never gamble.

54. The worlds youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

56. Mark Twain didnt graduate from elementary school.

57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.

60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.

61. Hot water is heavier than cold.

62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.

64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.

65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.

66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.

67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.

68. There are more collect calls on Fathers Day than any other day of the year.

69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

71. Men get hiccups more often than women.

72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

Computers in Movies:



1. Word processors never display a cursor.



2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.



3. All monitors display inch-high letters.



4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.



5. Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.



6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.



7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. (See Fortress)



8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer, even if its turned off.



9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.



10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.



11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.



12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.



13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See Demolition Man and countless others)



14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.



15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.



16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., Clear and Present Danger)



17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.



18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, itll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.



19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons arent labeled.



20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.



21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.



22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See Alien, 2001)

3 blondes walk into a bar

you would think one of them would have seen it

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight

Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the man responded, Ten pounds.

The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning..

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, Twenty pounds..

Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating If you catch me, you can have me. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

This is fantastic!, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?. Fifty pounds!, the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds?, the voice asked. Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!, and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

If I catch you, Im going to screw you

Robert Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, Why dont we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?He thought it over and agreed. Bob put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, You know dear, Ive been thinking it over. I see no reason why we couldnt manage a month-long cruise. so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young.Bob smiled, turned around, and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms. Upon returning back home, his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face. Bob, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, theres nothing to stop us from cruising around the world.Ill be right back, he said. Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter, the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 200 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order, then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, You know, Mr. Johnson, youve been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly dont mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep doing it?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didnt live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Q: Whats the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesnt.

Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two–one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.