To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Your mom is like a hockey player because she doesnt change her pad for 3 periods.
Your momma is so poor . . .
When I walked in, there were roaches all over the TV. I asked her what she was doing, and she said, Watching All My Children.
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called The Fission Chips.
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest. I think my line of work would win this one hands down, the surgeon said. After all, Eve was created from Adams rib, and that sounds like surgery to me. Maybe, the architect said, but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was an architectural accomplishment. Sure, the politician said. But before that, someone had to create the chaos.
Do you have an uncle named Jack?
No! why, Well if your uncle Jack was to climb up on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off NO!
A married lady was entertaining the Pizza delivery man in her bedroom when all at once they heard a car door slam. The young man jumped out the window forgetting his clothes and the fact that he was still wearing a condom.
He hid in the bushes wondering how he was ever going to get home when he saw a group of joggers coming down the street. He figures he will just join in and maybe not be noticed.
As he is running along, the man next to him asks, Do you always jog naked? and the young man replied that yes he did.
Then the other gentleman asked Do you always wear a condom?
The young man looked heavenward and replied Looks like rain.
This wad told to me by a librarian. Reference work must be dull at times.
Robin
On a nice, bright sunshiney day, three couples came to visit the local Priest in order to join the Catholic Church. By a strange coincidence, One couple was young, one was old and one was middle-aged.
The Priest told the couples that they could join the church only if they proved they were sincere by first abstaining from sex for one week. The couples all agreed to meet back at the church in one week.
One week later, as promised, the couples all came back and the Priest asked of the Old Couple,
Did you abstain from sex?
The old couple both shook their heads and the Priest said, Fine! Welcome to the Catholic Church!
The Priest then asked the middle-aged couple, Did you abstain from sex?. The Middle Aged woman smiled and said, It was tough, but we made it.
FINE! Welcome to the Catholic Church!
The priest then turned to the young couple and asked, Did you abstain from sex?
The young man of the couple answered, Well, Father … we did really well for about three days, but on the fourth day, *she* bent over to pick up a head of cabbage off the floor and when she did, I noticed that she had no panties on under her dress. I just couldnt help myself! I had to give it to her hard!
The Priest was shocked! WELL, I suppose you realize that I cant let you in the church., he droned.
The young man replied,You think thats bad? We cant even go NEAR Kroger anymore!
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of
his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video
of his wifes activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.I just cant believe this, the distraught husband said.The detective said, Whats not to believe? Its right up there on the
screen!The husband replied, I cant believe that my wife could be so much
fun!
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, or four, or…No, wait, well have to count them again.