Old and New Jokes

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun – they just dont remember who with.

I got this from another Lab attendant at work, but cant remember who.

BMW

Babbling Mechanical Wench

Beastly Monsterous Wonder

Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Big Money Waste

Big Money Works

Blastphemous Motorized Wreck

Born Moderately Wealthy

Break My Windows

Broken Money Waster

Broken Monsterous Wonder

Brutal Money Waster

Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Boring Monotonous Wanker

Buick

Big Ugly Import Car Killer

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer

Chevrolet

Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Chevy

Charged Heavily

Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

Dodge

Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

Fiat

Fucking Italian Attempt (at) Transportation

Failure in Automotive Technology

Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Fix It Again Tony!

Ford

Fucked over rebuilt Dodge

Fucker Only Runs Downhill

Fucked on Race Day

First On Recall Day

First on race day

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found on road dead

Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos

GM

General Maintenance

GMC

Garage Mans Companion

Generally Mediocre Cars

Get More Chicks

Got More Crap

Mopar

Most Often Passed At Races

Mostly Old Parts And Rust

Mostly Old Paint And Rust

Plymouth

Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood!

Pussy Lips In Your MOUTH

SAAB

Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies

Such an arrogant bastard!

Swedish Automobile – Always Broken

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

If you were in a dark room with a big strong man, would you want the lights on?

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another, who lands first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

1.Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2.Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. 3.Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. 4.Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5.Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. 6.Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. 7.When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 8.Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9.Ask how they fit into that little box. 10.If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11.Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said May I take your order? 12.When asked if they can take your order say No, why cant I take yours? 13.If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14.Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15.Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16.Order a cup of water and two napkins. Thats it. 17.Dont order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18.When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. 19.Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Dont break your stare. 20.Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says, No, we dont have any grapes.

Duck says okay. and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says You got any grapes?

The man once again replies, No! We do not have any grapes.

The duck says Okay. and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, You got any grapes?

The man is very annoyed and says, No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, Im gonna nail your bill to the floor!

The duck replies Okay, and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, You got any nails?

The man at the counter says No.

The duck says, Well then, you got any grapes?

I wrote this and submitted it to my schools humor magazine (Punch Bowl), where
it was published. I thought Id share it with the net. It is a parody of
tabloid newspaper advertisements.
Enjoy

–David

Now that your nookie days are over and your pilot light is out, what used to be your sex appeal is now your water spout! Time was when, of its own accord, from your trousers it would spring, but now youve got a full time job to find the blasted thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, every single morning it would stand up and watch you shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives you the blues to see it hang its little head and watch you tie your shoes.

(Beware the zorgonians are everywhere)

FOREIGN GOOFS

Bite the wax tadpole.
– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
– ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut
– English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

We pray for MacArthurs erection.
– sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
– from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
– Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
– Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.
– Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.
– correction printed in The Daily Californian

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
– Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?
– announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience

They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
– Jerome Dizzy Dean

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history … this centurys history … We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
– Dan Quayle

You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk!