Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.
That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
Hey, you mustve been doin about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
You dont happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesnt inspire confidence.
Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow
Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy?
Didnt I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend s nightstand.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
Gee, officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Arent you the guy from the village people?
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, thats how far they are ahead of me.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didnt let you play with your gun when you were little?
Sorry I cant hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, man, you want a hit?
Hey is that a 9 mm? Thats nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Rejected Hallmark Cards:
So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… Look at the bright side, shes a really good lay.
My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.
You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
Youve announced that youre gay, wont that be a laugh, when they find out youre one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead… it was once so alive Dont you regret installing Windows 95?
You totalled your car… and cant remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry?
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Un zoológico habÃa comprado una gorila hembra de una especie rara. Tras unas semanas, la gorila se volvió irritable y difÃcil de manejar. Tras examinarla, el veterinario determinó que estaba en celo, lo cual era un gran problema, ya que no habÃa ningún macho de esa especie disponible.
Tras pensarlo detenidamente, el administrador del zoológico reparó en Manolo, un empleado responsable de limpiar las jaulas. Manolo tenÃa reputación de saber satisfacer a cualquier mujer y no parecÃa muy listo. Tal vez podrÃan convencerlo de satisfacer a la gorila. Asà que le propusieron: ¿AceptarÃas hacerlo con la gorila por 500 dólares?
Manolo dijo que podrÃa intersarle, pero que deseaba pensarlo un poco.
Al dÃa siguiente, Manolo dijo que aceptaba, con tres condiciones:
Primero, no quiero tener que besarla. Segundo, no quiero saber nada de hijos.
El administrador aceptó sin pestañear estas condiciones, pero ¿cuál era la tercera?
¡Bueno, me tienen que dar otra semana para juntar los 500 dólares!
En plena clase, Pepito se levanta; se baja los pantalones y, enfrente de todo su grupo, comienza a orinar cantando: Lindo pescadito…
Al dÃa siguiente, a la hora del recreo, en medio del patio, se baja los pantalones y empieza a orinar cantando: Lindo pescadito…
La maestra, cansada de este acto, manda llamar a su papá:
Señor, me da mucha pena molestarlo, pero Pepito siempre se baja los pantalones y comienza a orinar cantando: Lindo pescadito…
El papá, riéndose, responde:
¡Ay, señorita, eso no es nada! Mire esto: Tiburón, tiburón…
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teachers desk and said, Miss Francis, I aint got no crayons.
Willie, Miss Francis said, you mean, I dont have any crayons. You dont have any crayons. We dont have any crayons. They dont have any crayons. Do you see what Im getting at?
Not really, Willie said, What happened to all them crayons?
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied, She should. She was standing on the porch.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
A lady says to her doctor, My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I dont smell anything.
The doctor examines her, and then says, You need an operation.
She asks, On my vagina?
He says, No. On your nose!
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A young boy had just earned his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, I will make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut, and then well talk about it.
After a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the fathers study where the father said, Son, Ive been very proud of you. You have brought your school grades up, youve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut.
The young man waited a moment and then replied, You know Dad, Ive been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair andNoah
had long hair.
The rabbi said, Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.