Old and New Jokes

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!

One day a little boy walks into his class. He is 5 minutes late. His teacher says,
Timmy, where have you been? He replies, On Blueberry Hill, and goes to his seat. The next day he comes to class 10 minutes late. His teacher says, Timmy, where have you been? He says, on Blueberry Hill, and goes to his seat. The next day a new girl walked into Timmys class. The teacher says, Can you please tell everybody your name? The little girl says, Blueberry Hill.

[I have been telling this joke in Punjabi (an Indian language)
for about 7 years. It is probably not original, but I havent come
across it anywhere else, either]

A Muslim and a Sikh were once traveling together in a train.
Both being from Punjab, spoke the same language and had a great time
talking to each other and generally whiling away time. Came lunchtime
and the Muslim took out his lunch and started eating without offering
it to the Sikh. The Sikh was rather insulted at this impolite behavior.
What city are you from? he asked the Muslim. Lahore, replied the
Muslim. At that, the Sikh started cursing the people of Lahore,
mentioning, among other things what impolite &*@##!%%s they all were.
Being guilty, the Muslim swallowed all this in silence.

A few minutes later, the Sikh was hungry and he took out his
lunch and started eating without offering it to the Muslim. The Muslim
saw this as an opportunity for revenge. And what city might you be
from? he asked the Sikh.

The Sikh replied, Im from Mecca. Start cursing!

One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it.

You have not, said the indignant Dr. Doane.

I have so, countered Twain.

Then send it to me. Id very much like to see it.

Ill send it, promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.

clipped from Roshans Humor list, a contribution from Tandy Carter

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.The waiter says that theres nothin special… we just flat out tell em theyre gonna die…

Why should you always take two Baptists fishing with you?If you take one, hell drink all your beer; if you take two, they wont drink any.

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. Youre very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, Ill be right back, they wont.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when theyre going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. And last but not least 15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You might be a redneck if…
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.

THE NAME – Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith – now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark Keyboards OMalley is good. Mark Kegsucker OMalley is bad.

THE ADDRESS – Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying youre from the Bronx suggests youre tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER – Skip it. What are the odds theyll call – 1,000 to 1. If they do, theyll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT – Forget the ambition statement. You know what I meanSeeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment. A better idea is to tell them what youre NOT seeking. Not seeking a job where Im paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low- paying, dead-end, back-office position.

EDUCATION – Dont be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, youre not lying if you list under your education credits BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993… and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT.

EXPERIENCE – Even fresh out of school, youve got to have experience. But dont mention that youve invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system… Everybodys done that stuff. Im talking about hands-on experience high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if youre a little light in the experience area, dont tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system. Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface sounds a lot better than played too much Nintendo. But dont try Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment. Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE – References furnished upon request? What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line theyll remember, like Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live.

Its not hard.