Old and New Jokes

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?

He sewed up the wrong hole, so now shes making money on the side.

From Dick Reboulet, circa 1966:

A prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided theyd have a little
prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided hed have the
best of everything–food, education, … So they kept him in a little
compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he
looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and
drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the
top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldnt
make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed
up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence,
and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence
line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed
wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding … At last he consoled
his son: Dont worry, son, you can always be a consultant.

Dog They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

Goldfish Just because I have a three-second memory, they dont think Ill mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!

Dog Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!

Goldfish The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!

Parrot Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!

Dog Human legs that just tease.

Cat Why are these people in my house?

Dog What the … HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?

Goldfish Oh, tap-tap-tap! Theres a new one!

What does a redneck say before he gets injured?

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. Youve got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that its his wifes birthday soon and he doesnt know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didnt like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, a necklace and a vibrator.

Why? asks the second man.

To which the other man replies, Because if she doesnt like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.

How is a computer like Britney Spears?Theyre both cheap, white, and plastic.

You might be a redneck if…
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

A bus stops to let on a passenger. This attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a word. The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers. The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!!

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver, and says, Tom, Ive been riding your bus for quite a few years now and Ive never seen anything as vulgar as this! Im going to have to ride a different route!

Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies, You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th. street, I said, no, 10th street. She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said, shit, Im on the wrong bus and left.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.