Old and New Jokes

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us

Dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation

and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil

Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

aiight

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!

Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?! A prostitute! Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant

How many can you afford?



It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.



Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting

by standing up and shouting Objection!



Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.



Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the

ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.



Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying

power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb

burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired

the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.



Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,

one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,

one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one

to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to

change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.



How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, lawyers only screw us.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. My wife, the man replied. Im sorry, said Bill. What happened to her? My dog bit her and she died. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well. Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, Can I borrow your dog? To which the man replied, Get in line.

Newlans Truism: An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

How do you babysit a black kid?

Wet his lips and stick them to the wall

How do you get them down?

Invite a couple of Mexican kids over and tell them its a pinata party.

The problem with getting a life is making the payments.

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, Banana Split, please.

The lady at the counter replies, Crushed nuts?

The old man says, No, Arthritis!