Old and New Jokes

En una de esas ocasiones en la que los soldados se reportan con sus superiores, el soldado Manolo informa:

Mi cabo, no cabo en la cama.

El cabo, enojado, le grita:

¡Estúpido, no se dice cabo se dice quepo!

Mi quepo, no cabo en la cama.

Estaban un francés, un alemán y un tontilandés reunidos tratando de ver cual de sus esposas era la más pendeja.

El francés:

Oui, mi esposa es la más pendeja. Ella mandó construir una alberca en la casa y ni siquiera sabe nadar.

El alemán:

No, la más pendeja es mi esposa; se compró un Mercedes y ni siquiera sabe manejar.

El de Tontilandia:

Joder, que la más pendeja es mi esposa, imagínense que se va a ir en un crucero al Caribe por una semana con 2 amigas y compró 3 cajas de condones… ¡Y ni siquiera tiene pito!

Q: What do you call two guys hanging on a wall by a window?

A: Kurt and Rod

No mans credit is as good as his money.

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.

So was all of Arkansas.

A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.

He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.

Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!

Then after a pause, she ventures I suppose its too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?

He replies, yes Momma, she is Jewish, and whats more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family.

Momma is beside herself! And what is the name of this wonderful girl?

And the son replies,

Monica Lewinsky.

There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,

Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?

Seen on the back of a Japanese car:

Buy American
Fuck Quality and Price

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked Sister, how did you break you leg? I
slipped in the bathtub. The second hippie asked the first Whats a bathtub?
How should I know, Im not Catholic!

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill

Lifes a test – and youre graded on a curve

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

The word is celebrate, said the head monk.