Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyones whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that theyll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles graves that they wont touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. "Just for that, Im not going."
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. Its like a French kiss, but down under.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.
Whats this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room.
Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.
Whats the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.
Were there any new orders while I was out? asked the shop manager his new assistant.
Only one, she replied. Two men ordered me to put up my hands while they took the safe.
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker
towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Lukes hand!
It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks
around, but realizes theres nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No… I am your father!
Luke: No, its not true! Its impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…
Luke: No!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…
Luke: No…
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldnt even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, its not my fault…
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… Poor me… my father never gave me what
I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddys the Dark Lord of the Sith…
waahhh wahhh!
Luke: Shut up…
Darth Vader: Youre a slacker! By the time I was youre age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggars Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong… Youre not my kid… I dont know whose you
are, but you sure aint mine…
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: Whats Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy OFurniture!
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishmans life?
A: Third grade.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: Hes the one with patches over both eyes.
Mire doctor, dice una señora. No se cómo ponerme en la cama: si me pongo boca abajo, se me suben los pulmones Si me pongo de un lado, se me sube el hÃgado. Si me pongo del otro lado se me suben los riñones.
¡Ah! Pues entonces póngase boca arriba.
¡No, porque entonces se me sube mi marido!
En una fiesta, una muchacha le dice a su compañera de al lado:
Ten cuidado que ahà viene El Rápido.
En eso viene El Rápido y la invita a bailar. Cuando están bailando, éste le dice:
Oye chica, podrÃas echarte el panty a un lado.
¡Ajá, para metérmelo!, responde la chica.
No, para sacártelo.
This hit man decided he needed a new scope for his sniper. So he heads to this new shop that had just opened up and walks in. He introduces himself to the owner and tells him he has $20000 to spend on a new scope. The owner says well i have this new one that just got in, it can see ages away. If you look through that window there you can see my house on that hill. So the customer looks through the scope at the house.The owner asks well what dya see? the customer looks at him wryly and says i can a man and a women running around naked the owner reaches behind his counter and pulls out 2 bullets and says if you take these 2 bullets and blow my wifes head off and that milk mans dick off ill give you the scope for free so the customer loads the bullets and looks through the scope and says ya know what? i reckon i can do that in one shot.