Old and New Jokes

Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if theyre intelligent.

I do so by asking them the right questions, says the Queen.Allow me to demonstrate.

She phones Tony Blair and says, Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?

Tony Blair responds ,It¹s me, maam.

Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir, says the Queen. She hangs up and says, Did you get that, Mr. Bush?

Yes maam. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.

Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?

Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, Can I think about it and get back to you?

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Powell answers immediately, Its me, of course, you dumb cracker.

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! Its Colin Powell!

And Bush replies in disgust, Wrong, you dumb shit, its Tony Blair!

Overheard on unidentified radio station. Humorous sketch involving reporter
and senator (country unspecified):

Reporter: But Senator, what have you to say to the problem of young
Miguel, only 12 years old, who has to hustle on the sidewalk
to sell his 15-year-old sister?

Senator: How much is the sister?

Is that Windex in your pants? Because I can sure see myself in them.

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.

The toad says Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.

Ive told you animals, I cant help you with any big problems, responds the wizard. Youll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.

So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.

Oh wizard, the elephant begins, please help me. I was born without a trunk.

Now the wizard is infuriated. Dont you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!

The elephant responds But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?

Oh thats easy, says the wizard. Just follow the yellow dicked toad!

How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The Bible makes no mention of lightbulbs.

A fellow from Boston was in Atlanta GA visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life – something he was not accustomed to in the northeast.

While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the childs aid by grabbing the dog, and choking it to death.

As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous: ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH, to headline on page 1.

The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Boston, not Atlanta. The next day he read the headline: YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kevin!
Kevin who?
Kevin we go out and play?
!

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score from Mens Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:

Simple Duties

————-

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners But retur You check out a suspicious n You check out a suspicious noise and You check out a suspicious noise and it You pummel it with Its her father: -10



So — You stay by her side the You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college dri Na Tiffany Tiffany has implants: -8



Sat — You visit You visit her parents and actually make You visit her parents and stare vacantly at th And the televi You spend the afternoon watching college football in yo And you didnt even go And its not really your underwear: -15



Her Birthday

————

You take her You take her out to dinner and its not Okay, it is a And its all-you-ca Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your fa You giv You give her a gift, and its a smal You give her a gift, and its not a sma You give her a gift, and it isn You give her a gift that youll be paying off You wait until the last minute and buy her a gi With her And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40



Thoughtfulness

————–

You forget to pick her up at the Which is in Newark, And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50



A Night Ou ———- You have For every beer after And miss curfew b You get home You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and c And not wearing Is that a tattoo? -200



A Night Out, Jus —————- You go Hes crude You laugh: -5

You laug Shes n You laugh harder: -25



Driving

——-

You lose the direction You lose the directions and end up g You end up getting lost in a bad p You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up clos She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60



Communication

————-

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concern When she wants to talk, you listen, for ove You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep: -10

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

A: He sold his soul to Santa