Old and New Jokes

Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your
apartment in the middle of the day.
You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly
like you) on a leash in your living room.
Ice floating in toilet water.
Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
Friends swear theyve seen your car at the local meat-processing
plant.
You can never find the leftovers.
The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The
Nature Channel.
The dog doesnt lick itself anymore… now its the cats job.
Mensa mailings addressed to Rover.
Your apartment keys no longer work.

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:

Dont let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops Of Water. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the churchs new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

There was an elderly couple who went to McDonalds. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered. The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldnt afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years. The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing. He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasnt eating.
She said, Well, its his turn to use the teeth.

There was a crew that was working in the desert. And the main guy the head honcho was like, man I need to get laid. Well the crew told them that when they need to they use the camel. The honcho thought about that and thought wow, thats not a bad idea. So nights pass and the crew kept hearing weird noises. So one night they hear the noises again and go check it out. They see the honcho on a ladder screwing the camel. The crew told the honcho we ment we use the camel to ride into town.

Whats the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go


by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: My poor fellow, dont you understand? This is a Catholic country. People arent going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when youre sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: Moishe, look whos trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.

Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gyneas waiting room (of course, one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).

The brunette proudly says Im gonna have a son coz my husband was on top!

Then the red says If thats the case, then Im gonna have a daughter coz I was on top!.

All of a sudden the blonde gets hysterical and cries IM GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!

121. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

122. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: Ones a bunch a cunning runts …

123 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

124. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?

A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

125. Q: Whats the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

127. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?

A: Ones a busy ditch.

128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?

A: A toilet wont follow you around after you use it.

129. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?

A: Put either of em in a car and their fucked.

138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

139. Q: How do you drown a blond?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

140. Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Dont tell her to swallow.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. “Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

Un hombre llega a su casa y su mujer le dice desesperada:

¡Mi amor, mi amor, a mi mamá la picó un alacrán!

¿Cómo pudo picarla un alacrán? ¡Si había 4 en la cajita!