Old and New Jokes

Chaplain Meemordnilaps Chaplains thought posted earlier was in error. He had St. Nicholas (the original Santa Claus) confused with St. Dracula.

St. Nicholas, as we all know, is said to have lived in a fortress in the arctic region, from which he flew to reward good and punish evil, using the great powers he gained after being rocketed to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton. That is, except when he was disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

Please correct all manual and computer copies, and report to your local Inquisitor to have all traces of Meemornilaps heretical teachings erased from your mind.

– Father Talbot, Lycanthropoi Khristoi

Son: Mama, Ive just got part in the school play!

Jewish mama: You have? Thats wonderful. What part have you got?

Son: The Jewish father.

Jewish mama: Couldnt they have given you a speaking part?

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, Ill take it, and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?

What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Whats another word for thesaurus?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why people who know the least know it the loudest?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, does he have the right to be noisy?

How a fool and his money got together in the first place?

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, We know youre up there; come down. The English guy, thinking fast, says, Twit, twit, twit…

The Germans, thinking that its a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, We know youre up there; come down.

The French guy, thinking fast, says, Woo, woo, woo…

The Germans, thinking that its an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, We know youre up there; come down.

The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, Moo, moo, moo…

The Top 16 Least-Noticed Important
Events of the Last 1000 Years 1621: Ouch! This porcupine is a bitch to carve. What say we roast that large bird over there instead? 1879: Thomas Edison gets an idea, and his brother Timmy says, Hey, whats that thing over your head? 1937: On May 6, Christ returns, only this time hes flying in style — on the Hindenburg! 1962: In Moscow, an enraged Nikita Khrushchev bangs his shoe on nuclear missile launch buttons. Fortunately, the Soviet missile-control computer had just moments before run out of kerosene. 1963: Richard Simmons almost loses his virginity. 1069: Little did B.J. Richard, the sixth Duke of Hummer, know that the accidental coupling of his most intimate region with his 3-foot tall mistress would result in a sexual act being named after him. 1843: After years of research, German inventor Gunther Dildo finally finishes his lifelong research. 1997: On June 13, my mom forgot to criticize my housekeeping skills. 1895: In June, Guglielmo Marconi invents the radio. In July, Guglielmo Kasem counts down the Rome Top 40. 1432: The invention of the moveable-type garlic press. 1492: Heads, we name it America; Tails, its Columbus. Loser gets a city in the Ohio Territories. 1541: During a manicure, Henry VIII accidentally invents the pull my finger gag. 1450: Printing press invented by a young Al Gore. 1517: Prior to nailing his 95 Theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Martin Luther nails 3 Ingrids in the choir loft. 1491: Colombus discovers the clitoris. and the Number 1 Least-Noticed Important Event of the Last 1000 Years…
1898: Benny Rabinowitz gets the last open spot on the Braunau Elementary School kickball team, leaving poor little Adolph over there, all by himself.

Yo momma so fat that she robbed a bank and got stuck in the vault door.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: Im going to ask for something expensive.

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.

Question: Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Answer: Because he had his own drumsticks!