Old and New Jokes

There were 3 men stranded on an island. they all went in search of life when they came across a bottle. they rub the bottle and poof, out comes a geanie. alright you got one wish each the geanie said. the first guy said i want to be back home with all my family and friends and poof he was gone. then the second guy said id like to be back home with all my friends since i have no family. then the 3rd guy said well i have no family or friends so i wish for the other 2 guys to come back.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.

A: To break on through to the other side.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his
aides nervously approaching him. What is it? the President yells. Its the
abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it? the aide
asks.

President Clinton responds, Just go ahead and pay it!

Where did Vincent Van Gogh?

Im defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.

During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, join our church and you get fifty dollars.

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, whats going on?

Abe, replies Murray, Im thinking of doing it.

Abe says, What are you, crazy?

Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, Im going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table. With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.

So, asks Abe, did you get your fifty dollars?

Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.

***Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if youre a woman and youre reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “OK, where are you from, Jackass?”

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.



The one who was giving the party said, Weve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, Ive never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.



The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.



Next, it was the birthday boys turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, Well, Id like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.



The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.