Old and New Jokes

Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
If this leaks out, Ill be ruined.
If this doesnt leak out, *Ill* be ruined.
If I could convince Hillary to do that just once …
Now you know why they call me Slick Willie.
You are a White House intern; Well, now its your turn.
I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
Somehow, I dont think that alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
Ive always said, I want to be a hands-on president.
What do you mean falsie inspection. I dont remember a no falsies clause in my contract.
When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Sox sharpening his claws.
Are you *sure* its in?
When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isnt exactly what i thought you meant.
Maybe Chelsea can hook me up with some of those sorority babes.

And the number 1 thing overheard coming from the oval Office …

If you think thats 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Pregnant!

Heres some sure signs you may be a Canadian…

Youre not offended by the term, Homo Milk You understand, Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine. You know what it means to be on pogey. You know that a mickey and 2-4s mean Party at the cabin, eh!! You dont hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem. You can drink legally while still a teen. You dont give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, its just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars. Youre not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and dont want to know if he has! You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. You know that Mounties dont always look like that. You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as for children and the elderly, and for export to the US. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You believe the Canadian Conspiracy should have won an Oscar. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears wont prowl on your deck. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he has a dove in his pocket.” One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

A guy goes into a doctors office with a dead frog on a stick. He goes to the doctor, Doctor, could you inject me with AIDS? Why? said the doctor. Well, the guy goes. When I do it with my girlfriend, shell get it. When she does it with my dad, hell get it. When he does it with my mom, shell get it. And wen the mail man comes and she does it with him, hell get it. But why, said the doctor, and the guy goes, Cause the bitch stepped on my frog!

Adolf Hitler dies and finds himself in front of the door of Hell. He knocks, Satan opens the door and asks: Whats your name?

Adolf Hitler, he replies. Satan is flabbergasted. Adolf Hitler? I know what you did on Earth and theres not way I am going to take you in. Indeed, this is Hell, but theres a limit to everything. Hey, why dont you go to Heaven? Follow the road, theres a big door on the right, you cant miss it.

Elated by this stroke of luck, Hitler starts walking towards Heaven.

The following day, theres a knock at the door of Hell. Satan opens and finds Jesus standing outside.

Jesus, what are you doing here?, he asks, surprised.

And Jesus replies: I just escaped from the camp and would like to apply for political asylum!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.

Después de clases, Pepito llega a su casa muy enojado.

¿Qué tienes, Pepito? ¿Qué te pasa?, le pregunta preocupado su papá.

Es que hoy la maestra nos dio una clase de sexología

Y eso, ¿qué tiene de malo?

¡Que no me dejó tarea!

El argentino que le dice a su esposa:

Mi amor hoy pienso hacer el amor mudo.

¿Cómo, calladito?

Y el marido le responde:

No, sin VOS