Old and New Jokes

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
Relatives of yours?
Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.

You might be a redneck if…
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Mother calls up stairs, You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or youll be late for school!

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, Today were gonna learn to swear! The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues, When we get to the table, Ill say hell and you say ass! The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head… Hell Mom! Ill have Cheerios!

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, Well now, what would you like for breakfast?

The 4-year-old replies, I dont know ma… But you can bet your ass it aint Cheerios!

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?

His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night – whether youre here or not.

A lawyer cross-examined the adversarys main witness. You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?

Objection, your honor, shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

So, the first lawyer continued, Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?

Nothing, said the witness. No one was home.

How can one believe in survival of the fittest when you look at
some of the people running around in jogging shorts?

Llega un tipo al médico y le dice: Doctor, tengo un problema: me tiro pedos, pero éstos salen sin olor.

Ah, interesante caso, a ver, tírese un pedo, dice el galeno.

El tipo casi derrumba la oficina del facultativo con el tremendo pedo que se tiró.

¡Uf, vamos a tener que operar!

¿Del potito?

¡¿Del potito?! ¡De las narices, hediondo de mierda!

Venancio consiguió trabajo pintando las rayas del asfalto. Cierto día se le acerca el jefe y le reclama:

Venancio, has trabajado muy bien los primeros días, pero últimamente has bajado mucho tu calidad. Empezaste muy bien y ahorita andas muy abajo de tu promedio: la primer semana pintaste un kilómetro; la segunda semana 600 metros; la tercer semana 400 metros, y últimamente sólo has pintado 200 metros, ¿qué te ha pasado?

Responde muy enojado Venancio:

¡Hombre, que cada vez me queda más lejos el bote de pintura!

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22