Carla, a 41 year old biologist, comes home from the doctor and runs into her bedroom. She rips her clothes off and starts jumping up and down of her bed.
Her husband Nathan walks into the room and watches Carla for a minute.
You look ridiculous, Nathan says. Whats gotten into you?
I just had my yearly check-up, Carla says. The doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!
Yeah right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass? Nathan asks.
Funny, she says. Your name never came up.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
Whats a light bulb?
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So they went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preachers family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preachers pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.
Having children is an act of God! he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, Point of information – snow and rain are also acts of God.
But if we get too much, we put on our rubbers.
What do you call a guy who hangs around?
Art!
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?
A stick
What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nacho cheese
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
Theyre trying to get away from the noise.
Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Whats the difference between boogers and spinach?
You cant get kids to eat spinach.
What did the horse say when he fell?
Ive fallen and I cant giddy up!
What do you call someone who doesnt fart in public?
A private tutor.
What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bulldozer.
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye deer?
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye deer?
What goes tick tick woof woof?
A watch dog.
Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
You can see right through him.
What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
A blonde going through a blinking red light.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Q: Whats a practical nurse?
A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer.
The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen!
Many people are in line at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is processing them very slowly. After a while, a man with a doctors bag walks past everybody, nods to St. Peter and walks in.
One irate man walks up to St. Peter and says, How come that doctor gets to go in while the rest of us wait?
St. Peter replied, Thats not a doctor, thats God. He just likes to play doctor sometimes.
Q: What does it mean to go on the Scarsdale Diet?
A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life eating bread and water.
Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side. The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois? The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. You are truly a wise Vet, they said. How did you know we got the cow in Illinois? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, My wife is from Illinois.
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses? The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses? The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, YES, I AM!
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
The Doctor put
me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never
knew if I was coming or going!
~ Rodney Dangerfield
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
*****
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friends disease.
*****
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
*****
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
*****
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
*****
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
*****
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
*****
Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing ones child
is an internist.
*****
Jews on safari —
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
*****
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmanns.
*****
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
*****
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
*****
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
*****
Sorry Im not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
*****
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all Ive done?
*****
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
*****
Passover
Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
*****
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
*****
Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
*****
A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
****
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.