[Another original piece of net.humor, from the people who
brought you The Power Users Guide to Power Users …]
Note 1: for those who dont already know, an LJBF is a person
who, unconsciously and subliminally convinces you that you are
without doubt, the man/woman s/hes been looking for all his/her
life, then crushes your ego, self-respect, and will-to-live by
uttering the four most awful words in the English language:
Two statues, a boy and a girl, had been standing in a city park for 50 plus years. God decided that, since they had been standing there obediantly for so long, they should get a chance to be human for awhile. So he sent an angel down.The angel immediately unfroze them and told them they had an hour to do whatever their hearts desired.
The boy and the girl looked at each other, giggled and ran behind the bushes.All the angel heard for a half hour was lots of giggling. They came out and the angel told them that they still had thirty minutes.The boy and girl looked at each other again, Do you want to do it again? the boy asked. Yes, the girl answered. But this time you hold the bird and Ill poop on his head.
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow.
Department of Unusual Marketing: Johnson & Johnson has a continuing contract with a number of Web sites devoted to the stock market. When the stock market falls by at least 100 points, banner ads for the companys headache remedies appear on the sites.
News Releases I Never Got Around to Finishing: The recent U.S. presidential election left a number of people wondering if their vote really counts. But with GetMusics new music video voting tool, Hot or Not, every vote matters. Launching today on GetMusic.com (www.get-music.com) …
Job Title of the Month: A Build-A-Bear Workshop is a retail chain that allows customers to design their very own stuffed bear. Maxine Clark is Chief Executive Bear.
And speaking of animals, The Youre Probably Not Surprised Award to rapper Snoop Doggs new venture, a porn video called Doggystyle. While the Dogg performs in the video, he keeps his clothes on.
Our Say What? Award to this news release:
Following the introduction of Adobe® After Effects® 5.0, Adobe Systems Incorporated (NASDAQ:ADBE) today announced that it has acquired the plug-in technology from Cycore Cult Effects (TM) and Atomic Power Evolution (TM).
Adobe After Effects 5.0 is the first Adobe software application to incorporate this plug-in technology that is used to create eye-catching visual effects.
And I had to take math and science classes in college. The Chicago-based Institute for International Education offers a course called Deconstructing Contemporary Irish Urban Landscapes. It consists of visiting Irish pubs.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oman!
Oman who?
Oman, you are cute!
Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office.
At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful row with her husband the night before.
What was it about? asked Mary.
He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills.
Well what is the problem with that?
He had a vasectomy two years ago!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says get in, get in! The religous man replies, no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause God will grant him a miracle.
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down. St. Peter chuckles and responds, I dont know what youre complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.
If you cant learn to do it well,
learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Why did the blonde helicopter pilot die?
Whe got cold, so she turned off that big fan on the roof.
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldnt quite remember the address to the house. Im sure this is the one," said the driver. Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. Replied one of the others, Ill go knock on the door, and check. If its the wrong house, at least Ill get to a toilet!
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured hed just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he cant find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a strangers house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they dont believe me! So YOURE the guy! The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!