Old and New Jokes

In this age of students campaigning for the rights to condom machines in their dormitories, I have never understood why some pundit did not choose to call these collegiate domiciles condo-miniums.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife



What type of bra? asked the clerk.



Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?



Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.



Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.



Confused, the man asked what were the types.



The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?



Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?



The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Los papás de una niña le regalan un globo. Todo el día la niña juega feliz con él, hasta que llega la hora de ir a dormir, y sin saber donde guardarlo lo mete dentro del sanitario.

Como a las 3 de la mañana se despierta la madre con una diarrea tremenda, por lo menos 2 horas seguidas cagando. Al fin termina y cuando mira su obra de arte ¡se lleva tremenda sorpresa! Espantada, llama al marido y éste llama al medico de la familia para que revise a su esposa.

Por fin llega el medico y le hace todos los exámenes a la mujer sin encontrarle ningún problema grave, así que decide realizarle una biopsia al montón de mierda… saca su bisturí y al pinchar el globo vuela caca a todas partes.

Un poco sorprendido, el médico se limpia los restos de popo que tiene en su cara y luego le dice a la pareja:

¡En veinte años que llevo ejerciendo mi profesión, esta es la primera vez en mi vida que veo un pedo con cáscara!

Una pareja que tan sólo llevaba dos semanas de casados sostiene el siguiente diálogo, porque el marido, aunque se sentía feliz, ya andaba con ganas de irse de parranda, así que le dice a su mujer:

Mi vida, ahorita vengo.

¿Adónde vas, cariño? (Expresión de recién casados).

Al bar mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita.

La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:

¿Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito? Y en eso abre la puerta del frigorífico y le enseña 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 países diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.

El marido no sabe qué hacer y se le ocurre decirle:

¡Ay, mi pichurri, pero en el bar, tú sabes, la jarra helada…!

No terminaba de decir esto, cuando la esposa interrumpe diciéndole:

¿Quiere jarra congelada mi amorcito?

Saca del congelador una jarra helada, congelada, blanca, tan blanca que hasta temblaba de frío.

El marido apenado dice:

Sí churri mía, pero en el bar sirven unas tapitas riquísimas, vuelvo enseguida, ¿Sí?

¿Quiere tapitas, mi amorcito?

Abre el horno y el frigorífico y saca quince platos diferentes de tapas: aceitunas, chopitos, patatas bravas, alioli, cacahuates, palomitas, quesos, paté, caviar, carnes frías, etc.

Pero caramelito, en el bar, tú sabes, las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…

¿Quiere palabrotas, mi amorcito? Entonces, ¡te tomas la puta cerveza, en la jodida jarra helada y te comes las tapas, pero de aquí no sales, hijo de puta!

Era verano y hacía un calor bárbaro, el marido sale del baño y le dice a su mujer:

Gordita hace demasiado calor y tengo que cortar el césped. ¿Qué crees tu que dirán los vecinos si salgo en pelotas?

La mujer lo mira y responde:

Creerán que me casé contigo por dinero…

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! Cmon,you and i need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and youll have no clothes to wear, if we dont do laundry right now!



What a Man Hears:



blah,blah,blah,blah,CMON

blah,blah,blah,blah,YOU AND I

blah,blah,blah,blah,ON THE FLOOR

blah,blah,blah,blah,NO CLOTHES

blah,blah,blah,blah,RIGHT NOW!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.



Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?



Yes it is, the man replies.



You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.



No thanks, the man replies.



I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.



OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.



Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.



TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.



The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.



Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.



Yes it is, replies the man.



Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.



OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.



Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boys father says, Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.



I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.



How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.



Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.



SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.



At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?



Dont you start that crap in here now, the priest says.

Knock-knock.



whos there?





centipede.





centipede who?





centipede around the Christmas tree.

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Sign outside a church in New York City :

Todays Sermon:

Do Not Be Deceived

By Rev. Arthur McConnel