Old and New Jokes

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing!

If it is incomprehensible, its mathematics.

Famed Anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83. Leakey
was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until
some nosy anthropologist digs her up.

– Norm MacDonald

Jesus died for my sins, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue.



A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.



The inspector noticed a string hanging from the cooks fly and asked What is the string for?



The cook replied, When I go to the bathroom, I do not have to touch it, I just pull it out with the string.



Oh how neat, replied the inspector, how do you get it back in?



The cook responded With the salad tongs.

A man runs into the vets office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dogs body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.""$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man…."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

A blonde chick walks into a bar, sits down and starts watching the TV. Theres a guy on the news thats going to jump off a building, so the guy sitting beside her says 10 bucks says he jumps.

The blonde replied, Sure, Ill take that bet.

The guy on the news jumps, so she pays the guy sitting beside her his 10 dollars.

He laughs and says, Hey, I feel too bad taking advantage of you. I saw it on the 5:00 news.

She replies Its OK I saw it on the 5:00 news too, but I just didnt think hed do it again.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!



The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know thats the first time in ten years weve been out of rye bread!

A man approached a beautiful young woman in the supermarket and asked,You know, Ive managed to lose my wife. Can I talk to you for a minute?Why? the woman replied.Because my wife seems to turn up out of nowhere whenever I talk to a beautiful woman.

Dad: Look at this room. Its a mess. When will our kids start picking up toys?

Mom: When they have kids!