Old and New Jokes

Hi Gigglers:

For the past two months I havent had very much time to submit anything to the list, but today I made the time.

Today is Friday the thirteenth as you all know. It is a day where over 21 million Americans stay home due to superstition.

Superstition : n : beliefs or practices resulting from ignorance, fear of the unknown, or trust in magic or chance.

In Quebec, the number 13 is fifth on the list of superstsitions. Knocking on wood is number one.

The number 13 happens to be a number of luck. Whether good luck or bad luck depends on the person who beleives in its power. I heard today that Italians consider the number 13 as being good for luck and Americans consider it bad luck (at least most Americans do).

Until today, Friday the 13th has always been a day of good luck. This morning as I was scraping the ice off the windows of my car, a police car drove up beside my car on the street. He rolled down the window and asked me in French (being from Montreal) Is there was water in your car?

I wasnt sure if I heard him properly, so I asked him the repeat. Again, I didnt think I understood his question so I asked him to repeat again.

Still not sure of the question, I went to the window of his car and asked him to repeat again. This time I was sure he had asked me if I had water in my car. Well, at first I thought this was a joke. So I figured Id go along with this and check inside my car for water.

When I opened the front door, I could see a little bit of water and ice crystals on the floor under my mat. I responded, Yes to his question. Then he asked me if there was water on the floor of the back seat. I openned the back door and found about an inch of water. I looked at him with disbelief. He then told me that a water pipe had broken at 06h00 this morning and caused the damage.

The good thing about it is that if it had happened the morning before, it would had been worse. It was -22C (-8F for the Americans) and colder with the wind chill. Today its -2C (28F) and raining.

Aways look on the bright side od life – song from the Life of Brian and one of my personal mottos.

Keep on Giggling…

A teacher asked her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Mary said, My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals.
It was fascinating.

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate.

Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw
the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said, Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for
his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
fascinate so she called on him.

Billy said, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big
she can only fasten 8.

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

(ATTENTION… if you dont get it, seek help fast 🙂

Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand, Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

I dont know, replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!

10 cents? I will have to remember that said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

10 cents maam

Really?, are they fresh?

I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?

So the cashier memorizes Yes, very fresh

The next day, another woman comes and says Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?

10 cents He replies.

Are they fresh?

Very fresh

Should I buy them?

I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY If you dont, somebody else will OK?

ok, gotcha boss

So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams HEY, how much money is in that cash register? 10 cents sir

WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?

Yes, very fresh sir

SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?

If you dont, somebody else will

A penis fly trap.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first. The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bears second turn for a wish. Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well.

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, I wish that
the bear was gay.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M AS W O R T
Plant extract that treats moms depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldnt wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now? B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who cant remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or on airplanes. N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Un sujeto regresa con una radio de transistores al lugar donde la compró. Molesto, la tira encima del mostrador de quien se la vendió, diciendo:

¡Compadre, esta radio es una porquería!

¿Cómo dice? ¿Qué usted no quería una radio en la que se escucharan todas las emisoras?

¡Sí, pero no todas juntas!, contesta indignado