Old and New Jokes

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes (played on purpose …?).

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes youre going to stop – but you dont

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdis opera Frottola

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong or …

CROTCHET: Its like knitting but its faster

CUT TIME: When youre going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when youve been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:

Major Interval: A long time

Minor Interval: A few bars

Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again

INTONATION: Singing through ones nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano or Mickeys girlfriend in the opera.

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkiens Lord of the Rings

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezumas Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausulas husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vires organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting ones tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

FINE: That was great!

DA CAPO AL FINE: I like your hat!

OPUS: A Penguin in Kansas

FERMENTED FIFTH: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a …

DISTILLED FIFTH: What the conductor uses backstage…

(collected from: Dr. John Robison, USF College of Music)

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: Youve got two choices.

I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: That was a huge mistake, Frank. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:

Admit it, Frank, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?

Lets face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetraian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the sanme, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite alot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

REDMOND (BNN) – World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means, said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. Not that Im anti-government he continued, but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire.

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation.

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. Weve tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they dont work, said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of constructive engagement with Microsoft.

Microsofts Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsofts recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire kilograms of weapons grade plutonium in the deal, said Myrhvold, but weve finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob. Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor, said Myrhvold, but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve.

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips put out more heat than they draw in electrical power said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion.

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. Theyre doing all of the development work in Java, said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment.

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apples Newton technology against Microsoft. Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years, said one hardware engineer. Id hate to be around when they drop that product a second time.

posted on 14 May 1998

Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.

Tommy OConnor went to confession and said, Forgive me Father for I have sinned…..

What have you done Tommy OConnor said the Priest. I had sex with a girl

Who was it Tommy? I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.

Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan? No Father, please forgive me for my sin.

Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie? No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.

Well then, was it Sarah Martha OKeefe? No Father, I cannot tell you who it was. Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven.

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting… What did you get? asked Joseph. Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!

Q: Did you hear about the Indian who drank 200 cups of tea?

A: He drowned in his TeePee!

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
If we dont get some support soon, people will think were nuts.

Today is Learning to Spell Ebonics. Mr. Darnell Jackson will help out by putting the words into sentences.

Foreclose
If I dont pay my alimony this month, Ill have more money forclose.

Sodomy
When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one sodomy and another bitcho n de other sodomy.

Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfrin rectum both.

Hotels
I gave my girlfrin the crabs, then the hotels everybody.

Dissapointment
My parole officer told me if I miss disappointment, he gonna send me back toos the big house.

Decide
My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on decide.

Penis
I had to take my drug test the other day, so my parole officer gives me a paper cup and says, Here penis.

Afford
I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford.

Subpoena
I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long and I hadda go bad, so da man sez subpoena sink .

Manual
I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messin with dat hoe.

Catacomb
I went to the fight and sat next to Don King – now someone oughta git that catacomb.

Mister
My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister.

Undermine
Theres a fine looking bitch living in the apartment undermine.

Cadaver
I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see her and he said I cadaver.

Paramour
I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said Wadda you got? He said I got an ace high and youre gonna need a paramour to beat me.

Polyp
On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was involved in a fi car polyp.

Urinal
After the police broke down my door last night, they said, Darnett, urinal lot a trouble.

Bubba and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, Whatever has possessed you to study Russian?

The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so hell start to talk … We just want to be able to understand him.

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak
out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the
drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in
pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to
spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. Big Diskettes may be folded and used in Little drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The
data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When
you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into
the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the
drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so
could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is
hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for
two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data
compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover
all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more
simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.