Old and New Jokes

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and
large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33F8462 – Domestic Mouse Balls

P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls

The little boy wasnt getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said… I dont want to scare you, but my daddy says if I dont get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking…

So the man goes to the doctor and says I have a rash on my penis.Does it burn? asks the doctor.I dont know, says the man, I never tried to light it.

CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) – A legal brothel outside Carson City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill Clinton the presidency.

Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen who dont want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital sex with women who blab. The brothel promises strict confidentiality.

Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clintons Senate impeachment trial ends.

He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher Larry Flynt.

The Hustler publisher announced last week that he had uncovered evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned to publish it.

Hof said, Whats this world come to when Larry Flynt is now the congressional morality policeman? I mean, I love Larry, but come on.

Hof, a self-described staunch Republican, said, I didnt vote for Bill Clinton, but the right-wing Republicans are going to such extremes, its making me crazy. Larry did the right thing.

Since the discount offer was made public last week, Hof said he had fielded seven or eight calls a day from reporters and has received a few calls from people claiming to represent unnamed elected officials.

But they have been very cautious not to identify themselves, so we dont know whether they are playing around or are people from the state Legislature.

He goes online and asks if he should fix his lightbulb and waits in the dark for the results to come.

IBM: I Believe in Memorex

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.

Well done Roland, says the teacher. Can anyone else try?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, My Gran says theres a bug going round and its contagious.

Well done, Katie, says the teacher. Anyone else?

Little Johnny jumps up and says, Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

En una familia de color, estaba el pequeño de la casa trasteando en la cocina mientras su madre cocinaba. En eso, tira el recipiente de la harina y ésta le cae encima, dejándolo totalmente blanco. El niño se va a mirar a un espejo y, al verse blanco, va corriendo a decírselo a su madre:

Mamá, mamá, soy blanco.

¡Niño, vete a darle mal a tu padre que estoy cocinando!, le grita la madre.

Papá, papá, soy blanco.

¡Lárgate de aquí que estoy viendo el fútbol, vete con tu hermana!

Mira, me he vuelto blanco, se exhibe con la hermana.

¿Pero no ves que estoy hablando por teléfono? ¡Déjame en paz!

Total que el niño se marcha cabreado gruñendo:

¡Joder, llevo 5 minutos siendo blanco, y ya odio a los negros!

Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?



Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.



Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.



We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.



We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?



If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE.



Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.



Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.