Old and New Jokes

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on well perspire, as we dream by the fire.
Hes makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel … Barneys the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
Youll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
Youll tell Carol, Be a skunk, I require
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. AS the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavey drink. Is something wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home today and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This ones on the house. As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, So what did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye, and told her ethat we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, Bad dog!

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him whats wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, Im in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.

Whats wrong with that? asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, You dont understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. I dont understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, I forgot where I live.

Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

41. Stare at the persons next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say You did that? loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell COVEEEEERRRRRR! peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. Oh, good. It worked this time, and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See whos online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like youve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out youre a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend its the computer and look really lost.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

Yes, I sure did, responded the pessimist. He cant swim.

The young redneck had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit.

Pop, he drawled, Ahm jest not sure Ah know what tdo.

Its simple, said his father.

Remember the stiff thing you used to play with when you were a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pisses.

Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it in the outhouse.

Una señora llega con el sacerdote llorando.

¿Qué le sucede señora?, le pregunta el clérigo.

Es mi hijo.

¿Y qué le pasa?

Es que el niño fuma marihuana.

El religioso hace pasar al infante y le pregunta que desde cuando fuma.

Desde la primera vez que hice el amor, le contesta con desparpajo.

¿Y cuándo fue la primera vez que hiciste el amor?, se sorprende el cura.

No me acuerdo, estaba borracho.

Se encuentran tres mujeres por la calle, dos de ellas llevan abrigos de visón y van muy enjoyadas; la tercera, extrañada, les pregunta:

¿Cómo hacéis para ir tan lujosas?

¡Ay, hija, porque podemos!

Uy, hay que ver lo mal que pronunciáis la jota, contesta la tercera.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka.



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