Old and New Jokes

The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver Whats that building there? Thats the Royal York Hotel replied the cabbie. The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? asked the Texan. About 12 years replied the cabbie.

12 years? We build em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. Whats that building over there? asked the Texan. Thats the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre replied the cabbie. Convention Centre? How longd it take to build that? asked the Texan. About three years replied the cabbie. Three years? We build em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. Whats that building there? asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. Danged if I know replied the cabbie, It wasnt here when I drove by yesterday.

Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.

Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.

A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wifes wonderful chocolate chip cookies.

After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wifes cookies still lingering on his palate?

The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.

He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.

Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.

He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wifes love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.

He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.

His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, Oh no you dont, THOSE are for the funeral!

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.



The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.



After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.



No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cant use an oral thermometer.



This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.



After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!



She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the mans doctor comes into the room.



Whats going on here? asked the doctor.



Angrily, the man answers, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?



After a pause, the doctor replies, Yes, but never with a daffodil!

10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?



8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.



7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.



6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.



5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.



4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.



3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.



2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!



And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:



1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, Oh, hes around here, somewhere.

Two wrongs dont make a right but three lefts do.

Yo mama so fat she got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.