Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Philip!
Philip who?
Philip my glass will you please!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss
I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,
stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.
The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife
and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better
and I can go to work. You try.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I
do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
You got nice house.

Q: What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?

A: A Lickalotapuss!

(I deserve a lot of groans for this one!)

The Millennium Falcon or the U.S.S. Defiant – which one would be victorious if they ever faced off in a battle?

Im not exactly sure, but one advantage that the Defiant would have over the Falcon is that the Defiant has a cloaking device that would make it appear invisible to the Falcon.

The Defiant, when cloaked, could simply sneak up on the Falcon when it wasnt Wookin.

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.

By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctors assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

My goodness, she exclaimed, I was expecting to see a foot.

Well, he said, if youre going to complain about an inch then Ill take my business elsewhere.

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. Im doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and Im starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadnt radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, I dont know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.

I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!

In my house theres this light switch that doesnt do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, Cut it out.

Theres a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

The sky is falling … no, Im tipping over backwards.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, Ill be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex. Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a fairly large wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temples cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: Relax, you schmuck! Think of the odds well get on Yom Kippur!

Ingredients:

2 Laughing Eyes

2 Loving Arms

2 Well Shaped Legs

2 Firm Milk Containers

1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl

2 Large Nuts

1 Large Banana

Method:

Look into Loving Eyes.
Fold in Loving Arms.
Spread Well Shaped Legs.
Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
Add Banana – work in and out until well creamed.
Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and dont lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.