1. You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone honey including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have been there, done that.
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.
12. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you dont know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.
23. Youve always got an opinion.
24. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.
32. Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. Youve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the partys over.
59. You know where to go after the partys over.
60. Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.
64. You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.
69. Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.
73. Youve left someone totally speechless.
74. Youve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to get along.
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And hes right there in the shower.
86 Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added side dishes.
89. You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.
90. Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
Collards is green
my dogs name is Blue
and Im so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blues
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You aint got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yore as satisfyn as okry
jist a-fryn in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as snuff
right out of the can.
You have soma yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when were in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, Im in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yore there fer yore man,
to patch up lifes troubles
and fix what you can.
Yore as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin overhead.
You aint mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Aint nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin.
Me n yous like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentines Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
its romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
Thats impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
Diamonds are forever,
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these wont do.
Cause yore too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…
Its a new trollin motor!!
(on David Letterman, week of 3/13):
My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks
like a regular guy–no earring or anything. But really
I think a man with an earring is better prepared for
marriage. I mean, hes already experienced pain and bought
jewelry.
— Rita Rudner
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: Theyre all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if theres an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big E on her pajama jacket pocket.
Q: Why wont they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Cos sheep dont have strings.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: What is an elephants sex organ?
A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: Can I be on top this time?
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.
Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing youve ever done was to be inaugurated as President. Its just been downhill from there.
Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I dont know why I always have to do everybody elses work anyway.
Jaimito escribe una carta a los Reyes Magos:
¡Queridos Reyes Magos! Este año quiero un coche teledirigido…. ¡No, no, esto no vale! Rompe la carta y empieza otra.
¡Queridos Reyes Magos! Este año he sido muy bueno, y quiero una bicicleta…..¡No,no, esto tampoco vale! la parte y empieza otra.
¡Queridos reyes magos! Este año he sido un niño muy, muy bueno y quiero una Playstation y… ¡Que no, que tampoco vale!
Entonces va a la Iglesia, y coge del Portal de Belén al niño Jesús y comienza una nueva carta: Queridos Reyes Magos: Tengo al niño Jesús en el bolsillo… A ver lo que haceis.
La madre sale del consultorio médico con su hija, pero se le olvida lo que el médico le mencionó, por lo que se regresa para preguntarle.
Doctor, excúseme, ¿usted me dijo que mi hija tenÃa un soplo en los ovarios, verdad?
No señora, yo dije que se la habÃan soplado varios, replica el doctor.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.