Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A: A stick.

A factory foreman is walking through the work area, and notices that Kawolski isnt at his station.

He asks one of the other workers if they know where Kawolski is, and the employee points straight up in the air. The foreman looks up, and theres Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.

Get down from there, Kawolski, he yells, to which Kawolski replies, But Im a light bulb!

The boss is -NOT- impressed, and makes Kawolski climb down and get back to work.

About an hour later, the boss is walking through the factory once again, and once again he notices that Kawolski is missing. On a hunch, he looks up, and again sees Kawolski hanging by one arm from the rafters.

The foreman makes him climb down, and chews him out, saying that if he catches Kawolski up there one more time, hes going to get fired.

Another hour later, the boss is making another round, and sure enough… theres Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.

Thats it, Kawolski, he yells. Youre FIRED!

Kawolski climbs down, and grabs his lunchbox. As he gathers his belongings, all of the other employees stop working, and begin to empty their lockers as well.

Whats going on? the foreman asks. The rest of you had better get back to work right now!

One of the employees turns to the forman and says, Sorry boss, but we arent working without any lights.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate its a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

Q: How can you tell if a blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres white-out on the screen.

Dont feel sorry for Monica. Shell be back on her knees in no time!

What was the first thing Monica Lewinsky saw in Washington?

The executive branch.

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter,
provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money.
Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his
penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms
of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he
broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched
his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his
neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an
unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter.
However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for
the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He
asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later
he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every
paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what
he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a
beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and
forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went
bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the
letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and
discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love
to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the
letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he
spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely
readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She
promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put
it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and
other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr.
Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours.
She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University,
Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand
times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman
came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The
ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he
attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle
that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the
inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and
computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential
intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.

You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this
letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who
do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

Then there was the blonde who was desperate for cash. All her bills were due and she was out of checks. So she decided to kidnap a child, and use the ransom money to pay off her debts. To the park she goes. Watching the children play, until she picks out her victim. She grabs the little boy from the swings, and writes a note:

If you want your little boy leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag near the old oak tree tomorrow afternoon. Signed – The Blonde.

She tapes the note to the little boy and tells him to go straight home.

The next day, she goes back to the park, and sure enough, there is a brownpaper bag under the old oak tree. She opens the bag and finds $10,000 and a note:

I cant believe one blonde could do this to another!

They can all shove their bills up their arse.

None, because they never get the house!