09
Jan

Join the church

During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, join our church and you get fifty dollars.



One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, whats going on?



Abe, replies Murray, Im thinking of doing it.



Abe says, What are you, crazy?



Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, Im going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table. With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.



So, asks Abe, did you get your fifty dollars?



Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?

09
Jan

The perfect couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.

***Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if youre a woman and youre reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

09
Jan

Redneck Jokes joke #11042

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “OK, where are you from, Jackass?”

09
Jan

Careful What You Wish For

A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.



The one who was giving the party said, Weve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, Ive never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.



The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.



Next, it was the birthday boys turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, Well, Id like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me.



The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

09
Jan

Come up to my place – lets do IT greek style

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesnt take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, Youre really hot!

Youre pretty cute, too, she says to him. Ill tell you what … I live just around the corner – what do you think about coming up to my place?

That sounds great! the man eagerly replies.

Before we go up there, though, the woman says, I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?

Well … uh … Im not exactly sure what that is, the man answers, but it sure sounds interesting and Im willing to learn! Lets go!

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man cant believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body.

Now, youre *sure*, the woman asks, that you want to do it Greek style?

Definitely! the man replies.

All right, then, says the woman. Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees.

Sounds like fun! the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?

Yeah! Yeah, lets go! says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He cant move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?

The mans muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. Mmmf, yeah! he mumbles, Greek style!

The womans grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, GEORGE! Come and get it!

08
Jan

Defining these words

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous sil vous plaid.
HONK IF YOURE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Apès Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
DONT LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

Létat, cest moo.
IM BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)

08
Jan

Q: How many SAS

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!

08
Jan

Entra un tipo en una

Entra un tipo en una droguería y le dice al dependiente: Me da 200 bolitas de alcanfor para acabar con la polilla.

El dependiente le objeta: ¡pero hombre, con un par de bolitas tienes de sobra!

Es por si fallo, responde el palurdo.

08
Jan

Farmer Loses 2025 Pigs!

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk.

One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.



Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? sheasked.



Yeth. lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

08
Jan

What do you get if…

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?

A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.