Old and New Jokes

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near
the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled
amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden,
Dopey stands up and says, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
church ? No, said the priest, There are no midget nuns in the
church. A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and
giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably
angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the city?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church.
says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the
dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the state?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church. exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The
dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
country?

The priest, totally angered, exclaims No, my son, there are no midget
nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the
country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit
down!!!!!

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church,
Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a
penguin.

Why was Eminem running down the street?

These Weird Reference Questions are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a better idiot can be invented.

Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

Do you have that book by Rushdie: Satanic Nurses? (Actual title: Satanic Verses)

I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $

39.

95. Do you know which one it is?

Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? hahahaha…what a bone head!

Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs? hmmm…I dont recollect any camera-toting cavemen…do you?

Im looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think Im having trouble with it in my neck. (No…thats your brain miss-firing.)

I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months. (I know…how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

I need a color photograph of George Washington. (Ok…hold on…Ill check with the caveman…)

Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!

The policeman said, Whats he like?

Little Johnny replied, Beer and women!

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Its left to the reader as an exercise.

Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip ONeill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip ONeall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.