Old and New Jokes

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.



The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: Cant you see Im winning??

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victims Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Q: What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop…" A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and wispers something into the Presidentss ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting high fives. The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, Mr. President, I said, – They want you to throw out the FIRST PITCH!

Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, Ive really been worried
about my baby girl. Thats a bad sniffle and theres no telling about
these things with all the strep thats going around. Im going to put
you in the hospital for a general check-up and a good rest. I know the
foods terrible, but Im going to bring you dinner every night from
Rosinis. Ive got it all arranged with the floor supervisor.

Stage 2: Listen, darling, I dont like the sound of
that cough. Im going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go
to bed like a good girl just for papa.

Stage 3: Maybe youd better lie down, honey. Nothing
like a little rest when you feel lousy. Ill bring you something. Have
you got any canned soup?

Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After youve
fed the kids and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, youd
better lie down.

Stage 5: Why dont you take a couple of aspirins?

Stage 6: If youd just gargle or something instead
of sitting around barking like a seal all evening!

Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you
trying to give me pneumonia?!?

Yo moma so fat she jumped up and busted the earth open.

So you think youre computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:

Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system couldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.

Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geek.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp.

Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?

Tech Rep: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

Tech Rep: Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

He walks into their room and says to his wife, Notice anything different, Bessie?

Bessie looks him over, Nope.

Sam says excitedly, Come on,Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?

Bessie looks again, Nope.

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, Notice anything DIFFERENT?

Bessie looks up and says, Sam, whatdifferent? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Sam yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN,BESSIE? ITS HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

To which Bessie replies, Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, If that thing was full of ice cream, Id eat every bite.

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didnt go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

Well, the husband replied, There are three reasons I wont punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldnt have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, Im not going to punch anyone whos big enough to eat that much ice cream!