Old and New Jokes

• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the
  davenport. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
  rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag is good.
  
• DOORS: About them…
  
  
  
  • Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
    stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door
    is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can
    change your mind.
    
  • When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in
    and half-out and think about several things (particularly
    important during very cold weather or mosquito season).
    
  • Doors swinging: Avoid.
    
  
  
• GUESTS: About them…
  
  • After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the
    dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded.
    The idea to convey is, But you let me do it when there
    isnt company!
    
  • Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap
    during the evening. You will know him because he will call
    you nice kitty. If you can arrange to leave Puss n Boots
    on your breath, so much the better.
    
  • For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select
    colors which contrast with your own. Example: for
    white-furred cats, a good black wool is best.
    
  
  
• Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
  table. Never drink from your own water bowl if their glass is
  full enough to drink from.
  
• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
  cook. This way you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better
  chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed.
  
• If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the
  other is idle, sit with the busy one. This is called hampering.
  Following are the main tips for hampering:
  
  
  
  • For book readers, get in close under the chin. Unless, of
    course, you can lie across the book itself.
    
  • For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to
    doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This
    causes what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to
    distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it.
    
  • For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
    income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in
    mind the aim: to hamper. First, sit on the paper being worked
    on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
    When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
    scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
    removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
    off of table one at a time.
    
  
  
• TYPEWRITERS: About them…
  
  
  
  • Be alert! Do not let typing occur without your attention.
    By sitting on the lap of the typist, you can place elbows on
    the top, making it convenient to play with the keys, which go
    up and down, and with the long things inside. If biting paper
    is in order, wait until typist has completed one perfect page.
    
  
  
• Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing
  catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
  
• If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is
  placed into dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your
  bowl – sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water
  being tipped over.
  
• Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running
  household. Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they
  can be taught readily if one starts in time!
  

A dense fog halted all flights from the big airport. The lobby soon filled with passengers eager to be on their way. Most of them philosophically accepted the airlines obvious explanation about the fog.

One whippersnapperish woman, however, refused to be satisfied. Taking a position directly in front of the counter, she rejected all efforts of a young assistant manager to explain the delay.

Finaly she said, Young man, I dont believe you know what you are talking about. I insist on speaking to the person responsible for delaying my flight.

In a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, the young man said into his telephone, Hello, operator, would you connect this party with Extension One in Heaven?

From Sat. Evening Post, Sep/Oct 95, p. 82

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. So upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldnt get out of her room.You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?The stewardess replied, There are only three doors in here, she cried, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, Do Not Disturb.

In this age of students campaigning for the rights to condom machines in their dormitories, I have never understood why some pundit did not choose to call these collegiate domiciles condo-miniums.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife



What type of bra? asked the clerk.



Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?



Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.



Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.



Confused, the man asked what were the types.



The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?



Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?



The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Los papás de una niña le regalan un globo. Todo el día la niña juega feliz con él, hasta que llega la hora de ir a dormir, y sin saber donde guardarlo lo mete dentro del sanitario.

Como a las 3 de la mañana se despierta la madre con una diarrea tremenda, por lo menos 2 horas seguidas cagando. Al fin termina y cuando mira su obra de arte ¡se lleva tremenda sorpresa! Espantada, llama al marido y éste llama al medico de la familia para que revise a su esposa.

Por fin llega el medico y le hace todos los exámenes a la mujer sin encontrarle ningún problema grave, así que decide realizarle una biopsia al montón de mierda… saca su bisturí y al pinchar el globo vuela caca a todas partes.

Un poco sorprendido, el médico se limpia los restos de popo que tiene en su cara y luego le dice a la pareja:

¡En veinte años que llevo ejerciendo mi profesión, esta es la primera vez en mi vida que veo un pedo con cáscara!

Una pareja que tan sólo llevaba dos semanas de casados sostiene el siguiente diálogo, porque el marido, aunque se sentía feliz, ya andaba con ganas de irse de parranda, así que le dice a su mujer:

Mi vida, ahorita vengo.

¿Adónde vas, cariño? (Expresión de recién casados).

Al bar mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita.

La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:

¿Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito? Y en eso abre la puerta del frigorífico y le enseña 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 países diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.

El marido no sabe qué hacer y se le ocurre decirle:

¡Ay, mi pichurri, pero en el bar, tú sabes, la jarra helada…!

No terminaba de decir esto, cuando la esposa interrumpe diciéndole:

¿Quiere jarra congelada mi amorcito?

Saca del congelador una jarra helada, congelada, blanca, tan blanca que hasta temblaba de frío.

El marido apenado dice:

Sí churri mía, pero en el bar sirven unas tapitas riquísimas, vuelvo enseguida, ¿Sí?

¿Quiere tapitas, mi amorcito?

Abre el horno y el frigorífico y saca quince platos diferentes de tapas: aceitunas, chopitos, patatas bravas, alioli, cacahuates, palomitas, quesos, paté, caviar, carnes frías, etc.

Pero caramelito, en el bar, tú sabes, las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…

¿Quiere palabrotas, mi amorcito? Entonces, ¡te tomas la puta cerveza, en la jodida jarra helada y te comes las tapas, pero de aquí no sales, hijo de puta!

Era verano y hacía un calor bárbaro, el marido sale del baño y le dice a su mujer:

Gordita hace demasiado calor y tengo que cortar el césped. ¿Qué crees tu que dirán los vecinos si salgo en pelotas?

La mujer lo mira y responde:

Creerán que me casé contigo por dinero…

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! Cmon,you and i need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and youll have no clothes to wear, if we dont do laundry right now!



What a Man Hears:



blah,blah,blah,blah,CMON

blah,blah,blah,blah,YOU AND I

blah,blah,blah,blah,ON THE FLOOR

blah,blah,blah,blah,NO CLOTHES

blah,blah,blah,blah,RIGHT NOW!