Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thayer!
Thayer who?
Thayer sorry and I wont tell teacher!
26
Dec
26
Dec
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
26
Dec
Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They wont, because:
26
Dec
TenÃa que asistir el Papa en Florencia a un congreso muy importante. Le dice a su chofer, Vamos que tenemos que estar en Florencia en una hora. Se sube en el coche, atrás claro, y corre las cortinillas de las ventanas del vehÃculo para pasar inadvertido…
Van por la autopista y el chofer se siente indispuesto, le dolÃa mucho el estómago y no podÃa conducir. Se paran en el lateral y pasa el chofer atrás y el Papa a conducir porque no tenÃan tiempo de esperar una ambulancia.
El Papa mira la hora… Faltan 15 minutos y estoy a 50 Km….empieza a acelerar 140 Km/h…. 150, 180, 200… Unos policias en moto les ven pasar… les siguen, les paran en el arcén, se pone un policia delante y otro detrás, se bajan y se acerca uno a la ventanilla del conductor del coche…
No sabe usted que circulaba a…, se da cuenta que es el papa, suelta el bolÃgrafo y la libreta de multas rápidamente, se cuadra, A sus órdenes, disculpe…, para el tráfico, deja que el Papa se vaya… y cuando se acerca al otro policÃa, el segundo le pregunta, ¿Quién era que te has cuadrado y no le has multado?
Y contesta Al de detrás no le he visto porque llevaba las cortinillas cerradas, ¡PERO TENÃA QUE SER DIOS PORQUE EL QUE CONDUCÃA ERA EL PAPA!
26
Dec
Estaban dos borrachines discutiendo:
Mira José, te digo que se murió el viernes.
¡Ah! Te estoy diciendo que Jesús se murió el jueves.
¡Oh! ¿Qué no entiendes? Fue el viernes.
Para salir de dudas, recurren a un tercer borracho:
Oye Pablo, ¿cuándo fue que se murió Jesús, el jueves o el viernes?
Pos yo la verdad no sé si se murió el jueves o el viernes, pero eso sÃ, el miércoles amaneció muy grave.
26
Dec
Psiquiatra: ¿Va usted al cine?
Paciente: Poco.
Psiquiatra: Pues considérelo más seguido.¿Va usted al teatro?
Paciente: Casi nunca.
Psiquiatra: Pues considérelo más frecuentemente.
Y asà varias recomendaciones o sugerencias…
Y sobre todo, concluye el psiquiatra, sexo, mucho sexo, todo el sexo que le sea posible…
Regresa el tipo a su casa y ante los cuestionamientos de su mujer le confÃa: El doctor me recomienda ir al cine, al teatro, y sobre todo sexo, mucho sexo, todo el sexo que sea posible…
Y se mete a bañar…
La esposa se frota las manos y se pone el vestido mas caro y el perfume y aretes y se pinta provocativamente.
Sale el marido del baño y se empieza a perfumar y a vestir y la esposa pregunta: ¿A donde vas?
¿No te dije que el doctor me sugirió sexo, mucho sexo, todo el sexo que sea posible…?
¡Viejo, por eso me puse asà para tÃ!
¡AY VIEJA, TU SIEMPRE CON TUS PINCHES REMEDIOS CASEROS!
26
Dec
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while hes busy. Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! Im not afraid of the dark… Doberman: While its out, Ill just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
26
Dec
Woman walks into a bar with a Goose
bar man say Who you looking at u Silly Goose!?!?!?
The woman says, Who you Talking to, me or my goose?
Bar man replies You, You Daft Goose!
26
Dec
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good looking? They already have boyfriends.
26
Dec
General Motors doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to
drive, because people dont buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if
they did…
Conversation #1
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?
Customer: Whats an ignition?
Helpline: Its a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns
over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of
these technical terms just to use my car?
Conversation #2
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it wont go anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: Theres a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: I see an E but no F.
Helpline: You see the E and just to the right is the F.
Customer: No, just to the right of the first E is a V.
Helpline: A V?
Customer: Yeah, theres a C, an H, the first E, then a V,
followed by R, O, L …
Helpline: No, no, no sir! thats the front of the car. When you sit behind the
steering wheel, thats the panel Im talking about.
Customer: That steering wheel thingy – Is that the round thing that honks the
horn?
Helpline: Yes, among other things.
Customer: The needles pointing to E. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some
more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!
Conversation #3
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
Helpline: Whats wrong?
Customer: It crashed, thats what went wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way
to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed – and now it wont
even start up!
Helpline: Im sorry, sir, but its your responsibility if you misuse the
product.
Customer: Misuse it? I was just following this stupid manual of yours. It said
to make the car go to put the transmission in D and press the accelerator
pedal. thats exactly what I did — now the dumb things crashed.
Helpline: Did you read the entire operators manual before operating the car
sir?
Customer: What? Of course I did! I told you I did everything the
manual said and it didnt work!
Helpline: Didnt you attempt to slow down so you wouldnt crash?
Customer: How do you do that?
Helpline: You said you read the entire manual, sir. its on page 14. The pedal
next to the accelerator.
Customer: Well, I dont have all day to sit around and read this manual you
know.
Helpline: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and
wont crash anymore!
Conversation #4
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power
door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Im not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!