A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.
That was nice of you, she says, looking around…
But wheres his wheelchair?
(woo-hoo! thats MEAN!
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio feeling!
Theorem: 4 = 5
Proof:
-20 = -20
16 – 36 = 25 – 45
4^2 – 9*4 = 5^2 – 9*5
4^2 – 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 – 9*5 + 81/4
(4 – 9/2)^2 = (5 – 9/2)^2
4 – 9/2 = 5 – 9/2
4 = 5
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, Hey, buddy, thats a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? Ive got one in my Yugo!
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, Yes I have a phone.
The driver of the Yugo says, Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? Ive got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, Yes, I have a refrigerator.
The driver of the Yugo says, Thats great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!
The driver of the Yugo says, Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there isnt any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?
De-calfanated.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you
think I Â could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre
not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears
the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We cant tell you. Youre not a
monk. The man says, all right, all right. Im dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk, The man sets about his task. Forty-five
years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles
on the earth, Â The monks reply, congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound, The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door, The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands