Old and New Jokes

1. Im God. Dont play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me)

2. Dont be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Dont be callin me for no reason.
(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)

4. Yall betta be in church on Sunday.
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Dont dis or cuss out yo momma….and if you know who ya daddy is, dont dis him either.
(Honor thy father and mother)

6. Dont be goin on no drive bys.
(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Dont be borrowing stuff and not give it back.
(Thou shalt not steal)

9. Dont be snitchin on the other man to save yourself.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Dont be eyein your homies crib, ride or woman.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)

Dear God,

Make me less stubborn– If you can.

I aint broke, so why fix me?
No-one can move proverbial Rocks of Gibraltar.
I mean what I say, now leave me alone.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf., taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…

Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY SIGNS. Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.1. Woman wont unlock car door for man – Doesnt engage in oral sex2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman – No foreplay3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – Prefers virgins4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – Is a virgin5. Cant hail a cab – Impotent6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho9. Wants to go to a French restaurant – Will swallow10. Wants to go to a deli – Wont swallow11. Takes too long deciding what to order – Has trouble reaching orgasm12. Orders salad dressing on the side – Will give you a hand job, but will not go all the way13. Gives explicit orders to waiter – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed14. Asks for extra rolls – Will say she is using birth control when shes not, will get pregnant and sue15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as The lady will have… – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnt16. Asks for The Usual – Insists on missionary position only17. Asks what the specials are – Will want you to use handcuffs18. Fills up on bread and crackers – Premature ejaculation19. Doesnt finish everything on plate – Has already come20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered – Will make you sleep on the wet spot21. Changes mind after ordering – Will never call you22. Changes tables – Nymphomaniac23. Drinks Decaffeinated. – Fakes Orgasm (Female)24. Orders in French – Fakes Orgasm (Male)

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lillian!
Lillian who?
Lillian the garden!

La mujer le dice al marido: Cariño, podríamos comprarnos una hucha (alcancía) y cada vez que hagamos el amor echar veinte monedas. Y así, cuando acabe el año la rompemos y nos vamos de fiesta.

La rompen por navidades y el marido se queda asombrado de lo que había dentro.

¡Pero si hay hasta billetes de mil!

La mujer contesta: ¿Qué te crees, que todos son tan tacaños como tú?

Estaba una enorme fila de gente que aguardaba para llegar con San Pedro, ya que él les diría si se iban al Cielo o al Infierno, en eso pasa una señora y él le dice:

Señora, confiese el mayor error que cometió durante su vida.

La verdad, San Pedro, es que yo cuando me casé ya no era virgen, pero mi esposo nunca lo supo.

Está bien, hija, todos cometemos errores, adelante puedes pasar al Cielo.

La señora se va al Cielo; después de un rato, llega hasta San Pedro una mujer vieja, pero que aún era virgen y antes de que San Pedro pudiera decirle algo, ella lo interrumpe y le dice muy orgullosa:

Señorita vieja.

Al Infierno por pendeja.

Un matrimonio de gays decidió que querían tener un hijo. Contrataron a una mujer para que les engendre la criatura. Unieron sus espermas, los mezclaron bien y la mujer fue artificialmente inseminada.

A los nueve meses los llamaron del Hospital para decirles que acababa de nacer un varoncito. Corrieron llenos de alegría al Hospital. Al llegar los llevaron a una sala donde había como treinta bebés todos gritando y llorando, menos uno. Había uno plácido y sonriente. La sorpresa se la llevaron cuando la enfermera les indicó que ese era su bebé.

Pero que bebé tan bueno, tan alegre! exclama uno de los maricas.

La enfermera responde:

Es cierto… ¡pero no vayan a sacarle el chupete del culo porque se pone como loco!

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?

A. Just in case they get a hole in one.



2. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: I didnt realize you had played before, sir!



3. Golfer: My wife says if I dont stop playing golf shes going to leave me!

Caddy: Im sure you will miss her terribly, sir!



4. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?

Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.