Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

186. Wear a silly hat.

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.

Did you hear about the new Jewish car?

Not only does it stop on a dime, but it picks it up.

Its 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said, Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?

Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, Son, I dont usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.

The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, You look good. Youre wearing black, youve got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But whats more important, son, is: Can you shoot?

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano players right sleeve.

Wyatt said, Thats good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?

Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano players left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. How was that? the boy asked.

Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, That was pretty good shooting son. I couldnt do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you.

Whats that? the boy asked.

I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep into the lard.

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.

Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, Well son, when Doc Holliday gets done playing the piano over there, hes going to take those two guns of yours and. . .

The boy didnt wait for the rest of the answer.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, I wish you guys could get your act together.

Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!

My friend is so stupid: He sent me a fax with a stamp on it. He thought a quarterback was a refund. He tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. He thought General Motors was in the army. He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. He tripped over a cordless phone. Wrote Taurus where it said sign here. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

[Thanks to Steve Kilbride]

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While

pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot

about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas

on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving

his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

Give him a Comapq or an HP.