Old and New Jokes

Q. How do Rednecks engage in oral sex?

A. They go to opposite ends of the trailer, and shout **** you at each other.

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.



Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.



The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.



The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).



A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.



While Contraceptive 98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.



OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.



DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.



CONCLUSION

Contraceptive 98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.



Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 98s potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?



Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.



Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:



Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. Hes had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.



Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.



Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. Hes a vegetarian, doesnt smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasnt had any extramarital affairs.







Which of these candidates would be your choice?







Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

A: A giraffic jam.

1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a
book activation code by phoning Microsoft.

2. Only one person may ever read your book.

3. Its full of spelling mistakes and typos.

4. When youre reading your book, the words can mysteriously disappear.

5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.

6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License
Agreement Hype (BLAH) before you can read your book.

7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book
inspections to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the
BLAH.

8. The Book Users Group General Alliance (BUGGA) calculates that the
annual loss of revenues to Microsoft arising from BLAH violations in
2001 was $10.97 billion.

9. There are two versions of your book – the Standard and the Pro
versions. In the standard version, those pages containing the most
useful information have been stuck together.

10. Confidential information is inexplicably in bigger type that can be
easily read by anyone glancing over your shoulder.

Plumbing Problems? Call RENT-A-JOHN! We have all types of portable johns to help solve your waste disposal crisis.

Eight Comfortable Models to Select From:

Dear John

(the double seater)
Head of the Class

(our campus special)
Johnny-Come-Lately

(six months of free suppositories)
Johnny-on-the-Spot

(fast operation model)
Farmers Haven

(need we say more?)
Johnny-Jump-Up

(with floral motif)
Johnny-Be-Good

(a toilet-training favorite with parents)
Can-Can

(comes with bidet; imported from France)

Contact RENT-A-JOHN, a subsidiary of JOHNS-R-US

Number 2, Relief Prospect

Flushing, NY

Yo mamas so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Yo mammas so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Yo mammas so fat her clothes have stretch marks.

Yo mammas so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.

yo mama so nasty… cows with mad cow disease run from her..

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok

Yo momma is so nasty she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job

yo momma so fat….that when she sat on a bus she made 4 taxis

YO Mamma so ugly she had phone sex an got sued by AT&T for rape…..

Yo Mama is so fat that when she went to the beach a bunch of whales came up and started singing we are family!

Yo mama so tan she looks black.

Yo mama got one eye and one leg, they call her (ihop).

Yo Mamas so old she was there to flip the switch when god said let there be light

Yo mamas teeth are so yellow i cant believe its not butter

Yo Mammas so poor when I walked up to your house and rang the door bell, she stuck her head out the window and said ding dong.

Your Mommas so black she got counted absent at night school.

Yo Mama so fat she sat on a dollar and made 4 quarters.

your mama so fat that when she wanted a water bed, they had to put a cover over the Atlantic Ocean.

yo mamas so skinny she can hula hoop through a cheerio

yo mamas just like aol everyone gets on her

yo mama so fat, when she dive into the ocean, there is a tsunami warning out!!

yo mama so fat she sat on the toilet and it said 123 abc get yo fat ass off of me.

yo mama so fat she sat on a tractor and made it a pick-up truck.

yo mama so fat when she get on da elevator it says next stop hell

yo mama so stupid she studied for a blood test.

yo mama so old when i slapped her on the back her titty came off

yo momma so fat the back of her neck like a pack of hot dogs

yo mamma so fat she make a whale look bulemic

Yo mama so ugly she got beat up by her imaginary friends

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but is kind of afraid of horses. She still likes horses, so she decides to overcome her fear. So one day she hops on a horse, and the horse starts galloping and wont stop. She starts to get a little afraid but the horse wont stop. Everybody is watching and she doesnt know what to do. So she grabs its leg and the horse still wont stop. Then she decides to jump but her foot gets stuck in the stirrup. So she is bouncing on the ground and doesnt know what to do. Then the Wal-Mart manager comes running out and pulls the plug out of the socket and saves her.