Old and New Jokes

Entró la madre de la adolescente a la habitación de ésta y encontró sobre la cama un consolador de baterías, doce pulgadas de largo, acrílico azul semi-transparente, cabeza ancha y suspensión reforzada. Angustiada la madre decide, después de mucho pensarlo, enfrentar directamente el tema con su hija.

Cuando ésta llega del colegio le dice:

Hija, quiero que hablemos de esto (mostrándole el consolador). ¿Puedes explicarme qué significa?

Fácil -dice ella- Tu me has enseñado que debo tener una sexualidad responsable y por lo mismo he decidido dar satisfacción a mi calentura y alboroto hormonal con este consolador que no me contagia de SIDA, no me embaraza, no me regaña, ni me grita ni me pone los cuernos.

La madre la mira seriamente, pensando en su interior. Le parece muy lógico y razonable lo que escuchó y decide dejarla seguir con su consolador. Días después la hija llega del colegio y al entrar a la sala ve a su madre con un vaso de whisky en una mano y con el consolador en la otra.

La hija la mira aterrada y le exclama:

!Mamá, ¿qué haces con Andrew? (¿por qué las mujeres le pondrán nombre a todo?)

La madre que ya está medio pea, la mira a los ojos y tranquilamente le dice:

¿Qué, acaso no puedo hecharme unos traguitos con mi yerno?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yehuda!
Yehuda who?
Yehuda dance all night!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you….On your wat home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts, Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knew, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue….Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at you husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should go see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. Im afraid your sex life is as good as it can ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us! Well, alright, the doctor said. on your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apple and a box of Cheerios……

To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
before cooking a dish.

Allows for the fingers to be
burned when placing the food into the oven, as well as when taking
the food
out.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

We need = I want
Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = Youll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure… go ahead = I dont want you to.
Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron.
Youre … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting! = Im on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
I want new curtains… = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
I need wedding shoes. = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.
Ill be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = You have to learn to agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late. Youre dead.)
Yes. = No.
No. = No.
Maybe. = No.
Im sorry. = Youll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it.
Was that the baby ? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
Im not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

An answer to question: Whats wrong?

The same old thing. = Nothing.
Nothing. = Everything.
Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. = Youre such an asshole!
I dont want to talk about it. = Im not ready to yell at you yet.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said: Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen.In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.The bus driver insulted me, she fumed.The man sympathized and said: Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers.Youre right, she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just dont wanna go to.

ID LOVE TO BUT…

…I did my own thing and now Ive got to undo it. …I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. …I have to floss my pets… …I have to go to the post office to see if Im still wanted. …I want to spend more time with my blender. …Im attending the opening of my garage door. …Im building a pig from a kit. …Im doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. …Im enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. …Im getting my overalls overhauled. …Im going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. …Im staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures. …Im teaching my ferret to yodel. …Im trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. …Ive got plans to go downtown to try on gloves. …Its my parakeets bowling night. …My patent is pending. …The nice man on television told me to say tuned…

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. This is Capt. Johnson, were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, First Im gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, No need to run dearie, hes got to go for a shit first!

A merchant ordered 500 turkeys for the Christmas season. A few weeks before the holiday, however, his sales dropped sharply.

Afraid that he wouldnt be able to sell all the turkeys, he phoned the distributor and instructed him to Cut my order in half!

When his order arrived, guess what it contained?

Five hundred turkeys, of course, each cut in half!

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!