Old and New Jokes

En un partido de fútbol entre Colombia y Argentina cuyo marcador es 0 a 0, un narrador argentino dice:

Colombia cero goles… ARGENTINA CERO GOOOOOLAAAAAAZZZZOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS!

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

Many of us have heard the story of the time in 1992 when Clinton went on Mtv and some girl asked him America is _dying_ to know: Is it boxers, or briefs? The candidate then feigned embarrassment and said Boxers.

In 1995, some guy decided to ask Speaker Newt the same question. Newt appropriately answered back That was a stupid question.

This year, someone decided that America must know what citizen Dole wears. Is it boxers, or briefs? With a straight face he answered back, Depends…

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbors house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. Excuse me, our man stammered, but I couldnt help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

Yeah? So? his hulking neighbor replied.

Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. OK, the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wifes tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

Well, come on already, kiss em! he growls.

I cant replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

Why not? demands the husband, getting really angry now.

I dont have ten thousand dollars!

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook
it and it still tastes like … chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer
to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Cant cluck, cant fly, and cant lay eggs, but you can carry it
across the road in your pocket !
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you dont dip it
in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
road until you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken:
Dont you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
road, so theres no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing
Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as its finished, assuming
hes re-elected and the Republicans dont gut the program.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.

IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN

PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD

VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL

ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE

ELSE

GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.The epistles were the wives

There once was this Vietnam vet who still occasionally had very vivid flasbacks. The man worked as a dentist and one day, he was doing a normal check-up, when a flashback hit him. He went crazy and repeatedly stabbed the patient. Needless to say, he was fired and needed another job.
The vet tried to think of places that wouldnt ask too many questions, so he walked down to the local McDonalds and applied for a position. They hired him and the first few weeks went well. But one day he was cooking a cheeseburger when another flashback hit him and he stabbed the hamburger into pulp. One of his co-workers turned and asked him with one question: “Are you a dentist?”

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)

Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.

How dya stand the smokin?
How dya bide the flame?
Do you think that lifes just
A burnin game.

Monday night your hungers a blue fire,
Tuesday morn youre cookin fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, youre only flamin higher,
Having your fun.

Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.

Likin the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?

—Songs of Cesium #47

A man and his wife went to the doctors office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, What? Again, the doctor said, I need a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!