If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
GARNER THOMSON
The ARGUS Foreign Service (April 1994)
LONDON – Two journalist lovers knew they had a scoop when the Duke and Duchess of York sat down to have dinner at the next table. But tabloid demands being what they are, both knew the story was worthless without a photograph. Nic North sprinted to the home of his girlfriends mother to borrow a camera.
Tracey Kandohla stayed at the restaurant. A breathless Nic returned with the camera and snapped a picture. The Yorks were annoyed, but, in spite of arguing with the couple, failed to get them to surrender the film.
It was only when they had left the restaurant that Nic and Tracey hit a snag. They worked for rival newspapers – Nic for the Daily Mirror, Tracey for The Sun – and they knew that neither paper would be interested if the photograph wasnt an exclusive.
Nic insisted it was his picture – he had fetched the camera and grabbed the shot. Tracey pointed out that it was her mothers camera and film. But Nic raced off and got the film to the Daily Mirror, leaving a fuming Tracey behind. The Sun launched a late-night court bid to get a share of the scoop, but falled.
Now – matched by the news that the Yorks have no plans to resume their marriage – comes the report that Nic and Traceys relationship is, as a friend put it, divided.
Women will speak only when spoken to or instructed to do so.
Men have the right and the duty to point out PMS wherever and whenever they
see it.
Men have the right to tell a woman to take a Midol and leave.
Men will call the day after if and only if they see fit.
The man is always right; no questions or whining tolerated, ever.
If a man says that she asked for it, she asked for it.
All commands are expected to be followed without question or hesitation.
Teasing is regarded as a serious offense and will be dealt with
accordingly.
Football games will not be interrupted for any reason without prior written
consent from the man.
The female will shop for groceries only and may not use a credit card.
Shopping will be conducted only when absolutely necessary and then only
under male supervision.
Mood swings are not a justifiable excuse for anything.
If any of the above rules prove inconvenient or undesirable for the male,
they will be adjusted at his discretion without warning.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: Hes the stiff one.
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.
What if Operating Systems were Airlines?
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you dont need to know, dont want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
But officer, the man began, I can explain.
Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.
But, officer, I just wanted to say,…
And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.
Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.
5. Im not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. Im always available.
3. It doesnt matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, whats the problem officer?To which the policeman responded, I stopped you for running that red light behind you. Just then the mans wife leaned forward from the drivers seat and said with a very loud voice, I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going.
The man then turned to his wife and yelled Shut up stupid! The policeman continued, And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30. His wife then leaned forward again and squawked I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me.
And again the man shouted at his wife Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!
The policeman then looked at the woman and said does he always talk to you this way?
To which the woman responed, Only when he has been drinking.