Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?

A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,A penny for your thoughts, Angus.

Well, uh, I was thinkin … perhaps its aboot time for a wee kiss.

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.

Well, uh I was thinkin … perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.

Well, uh I was thinkin … perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg.

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.

The young man knit his brow. Well, now, he said, My thoughts are a bit more serious this time.

Really? said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

Aye, said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Dinna ye think its aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears its true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

AGENT: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

PIZZA MAN: And where would you like them delivered?

AGENT: Were over at the psychiatric hospital.

PIZZA MAN: The psychiatric hospital?

AGENT: Thats right. Im an FBI agent.

PIZZA MAN: Youre an FBI agent?

AGENT: Thats correct. Just about everybody here is.

PIZZA MAN: And youre at the psychiatric hospital?

AGENT: Thats correct. And make sure you dont go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PIZZA MAN: And you say youre all FBI agents?

AGENT: Thats right. How soon can you have them here?

PIZZA MAN: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

AGENT: Thats right. Weve been here all day and were starving.

PIZZA MAN: How are you going to pay for all of this?

AGENT: I have my checkbook right here.

PIZZA MAN: And youre all FBI agents?

AGENT: Thats right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

PIZZA MAN: I dont think so.

CLICK!!!

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you hes had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.

Un tipo fue de cacería a África. De regreso, le cuenta a un amigo:

“Estaba yo vigilando a un antílope, cuando, de repente, oigo detrás de mí el rugido de un león ‘GRRRAAAAAH’ y… ¡Ay, me cagué!”.

“Con un susto como ése, cualquiera se caga, ¿no crees?”, dice el amigo.

“No, chico, me cagué ahora que le hice ‘GRRRAAAAAH’”.

La medalla de oro en la lucha olímpica sería disputada entre un ruso y un americano. Un día antes de la final, el entrenador estadounidense le advierte a su pupilo:

Este ruso tiene una llave especial: la Pretzel. Todos a los que se las ha aplicado tuvieron que rendirse y ser llevados al hospital, porque no hay escapatoria. Así que, por ningún motivo dejes que te la aplique. ¡Si te coge, ahí termina todo!

El día de la final, el encuentro comienza. El americano y el ruso dan vueltas y más vueltas, tratando de encontrar el mejor modo de atacarse. En eso, el ruso ataca y le aplica al norteamericano la temida Pretzel. La multitud se decepciona y el entrenador, que no puede mirar, se cubre la cara. De pronto, el gentío grita. El instructor mira y ve que su discípulo levanta al ruso y lo tumba. ¡Espaldas planas! ¡El yanqui gana! El árbitro lo declara vencedor con la medalla de oro y la multitud ruge.

Más tarde, en los vestidores, el entrenador americano le pregunta al ganador:

Oye, ¿cómo la hiciste para salirte de la Pretzel? ¡Hasta ahora nadie lo ha podido hacer!

Cuando me aplicó la Pretzel ya iba a rendirme. Pero, de pronto, abro los ojos y veo un par de bolas. En aquel momento, con las últimas fuerzas que me quedaban, mordí esas bolas tan fuerte como pude.

¿Y, entonces?

Sabe una cosa, entrenador: ¡No tiene la menor idea de la fuerza que uno adquiere cuando se muerde los huevos!