A LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.
10
Dec
10
Dec
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade holiday scents in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
10
Dec
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said Look at that dog with one eye!
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, Why?
10
Dec
Overheard in a small gathering at a pub…
A man asks:
Whats the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?
Answer:
60 pounds!
A woman counters with:
Whats the difference between your husband and your boyfriend?
Answer:
60 minutes!
10
Dec
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.
The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F— you!
Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.
The crowd applauded – and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.
10
Dec
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
10
Dec
Whats the difference between mathew kelly and acne.?
Acne waits till u r a teenager before it cumes all over face.
10
Dec
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One Two, One Two, One Two …
10
Dec
A young woman visiting the local zoo is grabbed by the gorilla and is dragged into his cage, whereupon she is savagely raped.
In the hospital, her girl friend asked her, Poor thing, how do you feel?
She answered, Horrible… He doesnt call… He doesnt write.
10
Dec
There were two friends Santa & Banta. Once Snata was ill & admitted to hospital & Banta went to saw him. They were talking & suddenly Santas health started to collapse. He asked Banta for a pen by his hand expressions & a paper Banta gave it & Santa wrote something gave it to Banta & died.
Banta thought that it wpnt be good to read it now so I will read it in the funeral.
In the funeral he gave the paper to Santas wife thinking that it will have something inspirational for Banta, & so he told Santas wife to read it.
When she read it what was written was- Banta you are standing on my Oxygen tube