Old and New Jokes

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Michael Jacksons business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says hes going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (OBrien)

When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

Youre wrong, officer, its only my hat that makes me look that old.

Llega un mortal al cielo y le pregunta a Dios: Dios, ¿cuánto tiempo es para ti mil años?

Dios contesta: Hijo mío, eso es para mí como un segundo.

El hombre se queda pensado y luego le pregunta: Y ¿cuánto sería para ti un millón de dólares?

Dios contesta: Eso sería como un centavo.

El hombre pensado todo eso le dice a Dios: Dios ¿por qué no me regalas un centavo?

Dios responde: Sí, cómo no, en un segundo…

Campeonato mundial de forzudos. Dos tremendos hombres de color disputan la final. Uno mira con desafío al otro; de pronto le mete el dedo en el culo y lo levanta en vilo.

El estadio eufórico estalla en aplausos y silbidos. El otro negro mira inmutable a su rival… Aprieta los cachetes y le quiebra el dedo.

Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.

Whats the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?

A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its Got Milk? campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was Are you lactating?

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called Cue in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, Fly in leather, it came out in Spanish as Fly naked.

Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

Chicken magnate Frank Perdues line, It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, sounds much more interesting in Spanish: It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name Pavian to suggest French chic…but pavian means baboon in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan finger lickin good came out as eat your fingers off

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of v is f – which in German is the guttural equivalent of sexual penetration.

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, Avoid Embarrassment – Use Quink into Spanish as Evite Embarazos – Use Quink…which also means, Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, Pepsi Brings You Back to Life pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into the much less thirst quenching Schweppes Toilet Water.

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasnt until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax, depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with ko-kou-ko-le which translates roughly to the much more appropriate happiness in the mouth.

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that Puff in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English werent too fond of the name either, as its a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. No va means it doesnt go in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that Pinto is Brazilian slang for tiny male genitals. Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with Corcel which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside since most people cant read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products as Gros Jos. It later found out that the phrase is slang for big breasts.

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lees———- Camp Kickachickee

9. Lorena Bobbits—— Camp Cutaweewee

8. Tanya Hardings—— Camp Wackaneenee

7. Kenneth Stars——- Camp Catchacrookee

6. Louis Farakahns—– Camp Killawhitey

5. O.J. Simpsons——- Camp Killachickee

4. Michael Jacksons—- Camp Wannabewhitey

3. President Clintons– Camp Getahoochie

2. Ellen Degenerass—- Camp Lickacoochie And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinskys—- Camp Suckapeepee

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway.
Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing
The bystander says A Marathon race is going on Sardar : What do they
get from that? Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Sardar : Then why are the others running?!