Old and New Jokes

This black guy walks into this bar, with a parrot.

The bartender asked What would you like?

The parrot said A Budlight

The amazed bartener started to ask the man Where did you get him?

But the parrot interupted Africa!! Theres a thousands of em!

yo mommas so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!

Man is the king of his castle A king is a ruler A ruler is 12 inches Still think youre a man?

Some Words of Wisdom…

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but youre still an idiot.

If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesnt exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember youre unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who cant.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying nice doggie! until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation…I can find it myself.

A Yeshiva bocher and a seminary student met and started to compare notes about career paths.

The Yeshiva student asked, So what happens after you graduate? Well answered the seminary student, I become a priest and if I do well I will promoted to be a Bishop Bishop, smishop said the Yeshiva boy what is so great about becoming a Bishop? Well, said the seminary student if I do well as a Bishop I can be nominated to become a Cardinal . The Yeshiva boy was still not satisfied Cardinal, shmardinal, so you get to wear a little purple yarmulke, so what? You do not understand the other one said as a Cardinal I get sent to Rome and could even become the Pope! Pope, shmope the young Jewish student said it is not such a big deal, these days he is just a figure head anyway.

The seminary student lost his patience at that at and shouted back Well, what do you expect me to become ? Jesus Christ?

The yeshiva boy answered back calmly, Well, one of our boys made it

Yo mama so fat even her belly ring has stretch marks.

Kermits fingers

Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head first.

Why wasnt Christ born in Poland?

Because they couldnt find three wisemen and a virgin!

Q: Why did the Polak put ice in his condom?

A: To keep the swelling down.