Old and New Jokes

In a move that shocked all economic forecasters, the nation of Isreal, bought two tire companies that fell into financial trouble. Goodyear and Firestone. In an effort to change the public image of both and give them a much needed make over, they were both renamed and a new logo created. Goodyear became Goodberg and Firestone became Firestien. the new logo; Tires so good, not only can they stop on a dime, but they can also pick it up. 🙂

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, There must be something youre doing that you havent told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

Well, she said a little sheepishly, my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

Thats got to be it, said the doctor. There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

Not if youre going to watch T.V. there aint, she replied.

Log On:Making the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:Dont add wood.
Monitor:Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download:Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:When youre not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
Floppy Disk:What you get from piling too much wood.
RAM:The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive:Getting home in mud season.
Prompt:What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows:What to shut when its 30 below.
Screen:What you need for black fly season.
Byte:What black flies do.
Chip:What to munch on.
Micro Chip:Whats left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared:Where the leftovers go when Freds around.
Modem:What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:Farmer Matrixs wife.
Lap Top:Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard:Where you hang your keys.
Software:Plastic eating utensils.
Mouse:What eats the horses grain in the barn.
Main Frame:The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port:Fancy wine.
Enter:Cmon in!
Random Access Memory:You cant remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks.

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. You look great tonight! it said. You really look fantastic – And that after shave is just wonderful! The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, youre almost as ugly as your mother!

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

Ah yes sir, the bartender responds. The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.


Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.


Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife?


They draw straws.


Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.


They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.


Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.


Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.


Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.


She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!


Rippington says, Ill tell him.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?

They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

Hes all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?

I have a hunch hes back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?

They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?

With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?

Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?

Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tsongas!
Tsongas who?
Tsongas youre here, lets tell some Knock Knock

jokes!

Judge: Well, Tawanda, as I understand the charges, your man, Tyrone came home drunk the other night and violated you. And you want him put away for a while.

Tawanda: Not exactly, your Honor. He did as you say, but then hed done that many times before. This time, when he was done violating me, he went and grabbed little Annie with the glasses and violated her!

Judge: Oh, I see. I guess that would be the last straw!

Tawanda: Oh, no your Honor. Hed done that twice before, also. The last straw was when he put little Annies glasses on his violator and said, Look around big boy and see if you missed anybody!

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Arent:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag.

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM….I think its out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. Its an entry-level position.

2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isnt:

1. Its not fair…I do all the work while he just sits there.

Sobándose su tremenda barrigota y después de eructar, un caníbal le dice a otro:

¡Bruuup! ¡Yo no volver a comer monja!

¿Por qué, Burundanga?

Porque, ¡puaaf… saber a madre!