Old and New Jokes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.

What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.

The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for anice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.

And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and its obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The grooms best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.



Well, replied the man when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.



Oh, you shouldnt worry about that too much, said his friend. Im sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she cant expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!



The groom nodded gently and said, I dont know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!

An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures.

She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera.

He agrees and dives in and retrieve its.

Upon returning he says to her, Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?

She replied, Professor you seem to forget that Im in your Econ I class, and I dont know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you.

Im sick!
Then you better stay home from school. she says.
No, mom! Im SICK! he says
THEN STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL! she yells.No, Im sick. As in tight. As in bad. As in phat. he bragsWHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? she yellsIm….cool. he says.There, now you realize why your new slang is so stupid. It confuses the human race. she grumbles.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isaac!
Isaac who?
Isaacly who do think this is?

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and wont be able to graduate tonight.

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Coxs football team, and when the student body heard that he wasnt going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a One Question math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, What is 2 plus 3? Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, I have it! The answer is 5!

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!

Pepito va a visitar a su abuelito que vive en el campo. Llega la hora de dormir, pero como no había luz eléctrica, el viejecito de 78 años permite que su nieto duerma con él para que no tenga miedo. Ya en la madrugada el viejito grita:

¡Rápido, tráiganme dos putas a mi cama!

Pepito se despierta todo somnoliento:

Momento abuelito, en primer lugar, ya no estás en edad de pedir muchachas, en segundo, son las 5:45 de la mañana y en tercero… ¡Lo que tienes en la mano es de mi propiedad!

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

A doctor tells his patient –

Ive got some good news and Ive got some bad news for you.



So, the patient asks, Whats the good news, Doc?



And the doctor says, Theyre going to name a disease after you!