Old and New Jokes

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs Youve Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.

9. Keeps saying, A spine is like a box of chocolates.

8. Repeatly asks, You a cop? You sure you aint a cop?

7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by Uh-oh.

6. Theres a two drink minimum.

5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, My turn!

4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet hes covered with mud.

3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.

2. Hints that for an extra $50, hell straighten something else.

1. Youre fully-clothed and hes naked.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that other building that you wont be able to wheel back.Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father: What is this Father?.

The Father responded: Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is!.

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son Go get your Mother.

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.

After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought, I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, theyll get a good shock.

The Carpenter perked up and added, and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse.

The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldnt think of a thing to do.

After the fortunate couples wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them, Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasnt that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But whos bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?

Date: 3rd May 0023

TO:

Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).

13a Sandy Wasteland Square,

Just Next to the Pizza Hut,

Judea.

Dear Sirs,

It is Mr. Christs understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.

However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:

That the title of the book be The Holy Bible and not as you propose, Hot and Salty – Our Sexy Saviors Saucy Story.

That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilise the virgin birth scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot.

That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be exised forthwith.

That the death scene to be pepped up as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast.

That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.

That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.

And the so called Parable of the Leather Undergarment be removed or at least modified.

As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesnt see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially Murderburger Hell-High and Slutslaughter – Slashin the Winded. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for Shake n Vac.

Yours sincerely.

Adam G Smith.

pp Jesus H Christ.

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasnt the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, No.

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, My wife use to love to come to these games until she died.

Why didnt you give this seat away to a friend? I asked.

He replied, Because they are all at her funeral.

There was a young lady named Gloria

whod been had by Sir Gerald Di Maurier,

and then by six men,

Sir Gerald again,

and the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

There was a man who was throwing a party at his house when suddenly and unexpectedly the devil showed up.

All of the people at the party started running out of the house except for the one man who was throwing the party.

The devil asked the man, Why arent you running away like the rest of those fools?

The ran replied, Are you kidding? Why should I?

Ive been married to your sister for 28 years!

What do Rubicks Cubes and penises have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

Q:What do you call a blonde with hair dyed brunette

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A: Artificial Intelligence