Old and New Jokes

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

Maam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?

The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied: Maam … thats your air freshener.

Mrs. Harris asked the class what fascinate meant. Tina raised her hand and said, My mom and me were fascinated my the animals at the zoo.
Well, Tina, thats good but I want fascinate.
Georgia raised her hand, The drawings were fascinating.
Again the teacher said, thats good but I want fascinate.
Then, she saw that Bobby had his hand up in the back of the classroom. Bobby was known around school for his naughty references, but she decided what could he get out of fascinate?
Yes, Bobby?
My sister has a shirt with ten buttons.
Okay, but…
Im getting there. My sister has a shirt with ten buttons. But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the mans sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, May I help you, my son?

I dunno, came the drunks voice from behind the partition. You got any toilet paper on your side?!?

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman have you seen my brother?…
and the barman says I dont know, what does he look like? (ba-dum-tish)

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pablo!
Pablo who?
Pablo your horn!

I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to do.

Ignorance is bliss. No wonder Im so depressed.

A woman who complains that she doesnt have a thing to wear
and that there isnt enough closet space for her clothes.

Q: Why did the Saddam trade one of his thirteen wives for



a new toilet?



A: The hole was smaller and smelled better.





Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and a Scud Missile?



A: Aeroflot has killed more people.





Q: What do you call two Iraqi women walking into a bar?



A: Incoming scuds!





Two Iraqis are chatting. One of them has his wallet out



and is flipping through pictures.



This is my oldest. Hes a martyr.



Heres my second son. Hes a martyr, too.



Theres a pause. The second Iraqi says, wistfully, Ah,



they blow up so fast, dont they?





Top Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein



…Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain



gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.



…Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets



of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure



free HBO.



…Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of



missing limbs and strange burn marks.



…Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.



…Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in



recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.



…Upset that Slobodan hasn’t written for weeks.



…Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at Disembowel



the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism Rally; those with low



marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad



sewer cages using remaining limbs.



…Pleased that he’s now slightly more popular in Kuwait than



flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after



lengthy hearts and minds campaign.



…Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the moonwalk



for them.



…Still regretting brilliant Park Entire Air Force in Iran



maneuver during Gulf War.



…Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his



Assassination Merit Badge.



…Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm,



or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD’s for only 1 cent from



his favorite record club.



…Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently,



and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.