Old and New Jokes

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl, I have a Nintendo!

Little girl says, Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!

Little boy says, So, my dads a doctor!

Little girls says, My dads an astronaut!

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, But I have on of these!!!! and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces, My mom said that with one of these (pointing to hers) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldnt stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said: We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.

The police said Its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.

Well, who was it?

The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.

Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.

How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? It has a stamp on it.

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.

So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didnt care.

The second Englishman remarked, You just dont know how to set him off… watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that, replied the Irishman.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. Youre right, hes unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked, Boys, Ill really tick him off… just watch this.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, Whats the matter, baby?

Pinocchios girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, Youre probably the best guy Ive ever met– but every time we make love, you give me splinters.

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to smooth out Pinocchios relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchios graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchios problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls.

To which Pinocchios replied, GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???

Había 2 borrachos en un bar y estaban transmitiendo un concurso de trajes de baño por televisión.

Sale la primera concursante y uno de los borrachos dice, ¡qué porquería!

Sale la segunda, la tercera, la cuarta, la quinta y el borracho siempre decía lo mismo: ¡qué porquería!

El otro borracho no pudo aguantar más y le dice, Tu estás loco, mira para allá como están de buenas esas mujeres y tu dices que porquería.

Sí, que porquería, ¡que porquería la que tengo yo en casa!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Disguise!
Disguise who?
Disguise the limit!

One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady.

The kid could not help but notice her size. Dad look at her! She is so huge!!!

The father replied, Be quiet! You must be polite and dont hurt her feelings.

The kid persisted, But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!!!

The father, rather embarassed, said, Stop it or Ill take you outside!!!

Just about then the ladys pager goes off … beep… beep… beep…

The kid screams Dad look out!!! Shes backing up!!!

A
man and a woman, who have never met before,

find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room

on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed

and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and
fell

asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman
saying,

"Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the

closet to get me a second blanket? Im awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just
for tonight, lets

pretend that were married." "Wow! Thats
a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking
blanket!"