Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isnt worth anything – gas is!
Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
At a restaurant in New York: Tip-ing is not a city in China.
Somewhere in Australia….
Papa, said the farmers son, you were a sheepherder in your younger days, perhaps you can tell me where virgin wool comes from.
Virgin Wool, my son, comes from the sheep the herders couldnt catch.
I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.
Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles from shore. They decide to try to swim to shore. The brunette swims 7 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The redhead swims 10 miles, gets tired, and drowns. The blonde swims 19 miles, gets tired, and swims back.
A guy goes down south to be a farmer because its his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.
The clerk says, We dont call em roosters, we call em cocks.
Okay the man says. Ill take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.
We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.
Okay, Ill take those two things and a mule to carry them home.
We dont call em mules, we call em asses and every time the ass stops walkin, just scratch behind his ear.
So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. Hes walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.
The man sees a lady passing by and asks, Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?
Yo Mamas so fat that she had to get baptized at Sea World.
More commonly known as gangsta lingo
Afford
I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for afford.
Anus
The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking for the two guys
that held up the liquor store and we said – anus.
Assert
On the way home from work, I always take assert so my old lady dont smell
liquor on my breath.
Baghdad
I always wondered what was in the Baghdad use to drink out of when he was
sitting on the front porch.
Battery
The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging the battery wont
be in the line up tomorrow.
Beware
I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware I find be a job?
Button
My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch pants. I said girl,
you wont get you button em.
Catacomb
I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don King: man,
someone oughta get that catacomb.
Clothesline
When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the porch.
Coatroom
The judge said, one more outburst like that and Ill have the bailiff clear
the coatroom.
Connoisseur
I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what connoisseur did
you crawl out of?
Copulate
I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said copulate.
Data
At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple double and my coach
said data boy Darnell.
Decide
My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on
decide.
Derange
Derange is where the deer and the antelope play.
Dimension
A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell look like. Well,
hes tall, dark, handsome, not dimension hung like a horse.
Disappointment
My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, hes going to send me
back to the big house.
Fascinate
My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are
so big, she can only fascinate.
Foreclose
If I dont pay my alimony this month, Ill have more money foreclose.
Formaldehyde
The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin. I told them there
aint no place formaldehyde in the house, it be too small.
Fortify
I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile – How much? She said fortify dollars,
honey.
Homo
The bitch Im living with called me at the bar the other night. She said
Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?
Honor
At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be honor?
Horde
My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde around in her
school.
Income
My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife.
July
After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth or July?
Letter
The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnells door the other night
and I wouldnt letter in.
Manual
I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messing
with that hoe.
Menstruate
With the fashions today you cant keep the women and menstruate.
Odyssey
When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends, you odyssey the
tits on that babe.
Oral
My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your head off.
Oreo
I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks
now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday.
Orgasm
I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his state. I asked if
they electrocute em, hand, orgasm.
Penis
I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a little paper cup
and said, here penis.
Polyp
On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was involved in a
five-car polyp on I-75.
Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both.
Seldom
I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other night, so I seldom
to my friend.
Semen
I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left and right.
Sodomy
When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy and another
bitch on the other sodomy.
Stain
My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I asked them, you
plannin on stain?
Undermine
Theres a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right undermine.
Urinal
After the police broke down my front door last night, they said, Darnell,
urinal lot of trouble.
Widen
When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell
me you didnt use no birth control?
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next!
There was once an African Chief. He was very constipated. After trying all the traditional medicines (shaman, witch doctor and what have you), he sent a runner to the nearest White man town to get him some White medicine to cure him.
The runner reached the White Mans village after a days run and knocked on the White doctors door. The door opened and the doctor asked, Yes?
Not being very fluent in English, the runner said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.
The doctor understood the problem and gave him a couple of laxative tablets and said, Take to chief. Eat immediately. Drink water.
The runner took the tablets and delivered them to the Chief. The Chief swallowed the tablets and waited for a day. Still constipated, he sent the runner back to the White Mans village, asking for a bigger dose.
The runner reached the White doctors office, knocked on the door and said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.
This time the White doctor, a little surprised that the laxatives had not done their job, sent back 4 tablets that were twice as effective as the first ones. He told the runner, Take to Chief. Swallow immediately. Drink lots of water. Eat bananas.
The runner delivered the tablest to the Chief, who immediately swallowed them. Still constipated, the agonized Chief sent the runner back, asking for more powerful drugs.
The runner reached the White doctors office in the middle of the night, knocked on the door and said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.
The White doctor was annoyed. So he gave the runner 1 small powerful tablet. This laxative was meant for horses and told him Take to Chief. Swallow immediately. Drink lakes of water!
Several months went by and the White doctor never heard from the runner. He was intrigued as to what had happened.
One day on a safari, he came across the runner that had taken the tablets to the Chief. He immediately stopped his vehicle and asked the runner How is your Big Chief?
The runner hesitated for a moment, then spoke, Big Shit – No Chief, Big Shit – No Chief.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?
Yes, Father, it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda OMalley?
I cannot say.
Was it Patricia Kelly?
Ill never tell.
Was it Liz Shannon?
Im sorry, but Ill not name her.
Was it Cathy Morgan?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Fiona McDonald, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?
Five good leads, says Tommy.