Old and New Jokes

I can tell youre lying. Your lips are moving.

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is usually right.

Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.

Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must pick between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

Change is inevidable – except from vending machines.

Dont sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.

A fool and his money will soon be partying.

Money cant buy love – but it can rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least its a scenic route.

Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize…

Everyone repeat after me…we are all individuals…

Death to all fanatics!!

Dont be sexist – chicks hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks…

Hard work pays off later – laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasles dont get sucked in jet engines

Borrow money from pessimists – they dont expect it back.

If at first you dont succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women? Vito: Well, Ill tell ya! But its a secret . . just between you and me. I dont want my system to become too public.

Vladimir : OK. Its a deal.

Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

Vladimir : Thats it? I can do that.

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice him. Its working, he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked Vito, whats the problem? Why isnt it working?

Vito: Because youre supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!

… a man doesnt know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

Q. Why dont blondes use vibrators?

A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?

A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A. Frosted Flakes

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what? What, my dear? she asked gently. I think you bring me bad luck.

Three Jewish men arrive in New York from Europe, and decide to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America.

20 years pass…

The first man asks the second, So, nu? Howd you do? He replies: Vell, you know…ven I came to this country I had no idea vhat to do with myself to make a livink. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!

He turns to the next man and asks, So nu, how bout you?

He says Vell, like you I had no idea vhat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a livink, so I too, looked to my last name. Silverberg. So I vent into silver. And oy, did I make a fortune!

So they both turn to the last man and say, And you? Vat happened to you?

So the third man said, Vell, I too had no idea how I vas to make a living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Taylor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor.

So I went to shul and prayed. I said God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.

So the first man said, So, vat happened? The man replied, Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, Are you ready to order, sir?



Clinton replies, Yes, Id like a quickie.



A quickie?! the waitress replies with disgust. Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I dont believe that’s a good idea. Ill come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU.



She walks away.



Gore leans over to Clinton and says, Sir, its pronounced Quiche…

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter the Deer). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute gifts to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as lookouts. Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Or words to that effect.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!