Old and New Jokes

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, Gimme a beer before it starts.

She gives him a beer.



About 15 minutes later, he says again, Gimme a beer before it starts.



Again, she gives him a beer.



A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.



Dont you think youre exaggerating? It hasnt been half an hour that you got here and you already had two beers. Im getting fed up with this.



The husband looks up and mumbles, Now it starts . . .

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. Incredible!, says his friend. Medical science is amazing.



Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. Incredible!, says his friend. Medical science is amazing!



Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but cant find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday. The doctor thinks for a minute and says, Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

A preacher who advertised himself as a great healer set up a tent in a small rural town. That evening a man came in on crutches and said to him, Aint no doctor been able to cure my leg. Can you heal me? Whats your name brother? asked the preacher. Bob replied the man. Bob, you just go behind that red curtain. A moment later, another man walked in and said, S-s-sir, c-c-can you help m-m-me with m-m-my s-s-stuttering? Whats your name brother? asked the preacher. John replied the man. John, you just go behind that red curtain. After 10 minutes of frenzied preaching and praising, the healer threw his hands in the air, raised his eyes to the ceiling, and dramatically shouted, Bob, drop your crutches! John, say something! A few moments passed before a voice behind the curtain said, B-b-bob just f-f-fell on h-h-his b-b-butt.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentines Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentines Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times Ill be kissing them in the future. I hope youll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,

Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Heres a list of phony names often given to substitute teachers:

(source: Book of Lists 2)

Anne Chovy

Art E. Choke

Bud Wiser

Frank Furter

Chuck Waggon

Jim Shoo

Sandy Beach

Polly Gon

Ben Gay

Liz Onya

Ben Dover

Eileen Dover

Barb DeWyre

One day a cop was walking along in the ghetto. He came upon a guy sitting on the curb and thinking. He went up to the guy.

What are you doing, the cop asks.

Im just thinking about starting a bar right over there,but I cant think of a name for the place, the man replied.

If you can come up with a name for me Ill give you a free drink,the guy said. The cop likes this idea, so the first thing he thinks of he tells the man.

How about Susie, the cop suggests.

Susie, I like it. Come back tomorrow for youre drink, said the man.

The cop returns to the ghetto the next day. The guy is sitting on the curb again.

What about Susie?

the cop asked.

The man answered, I thought about it and I decided I didnt like it.Ill give you two drinks if you come up with a better name The cop thought for a moment and said Susies Legs The man agreed and told the cop to come back tomorrow for his free drinks.

The next day the cop returns, and sure enough the bar is there, but it doesnt open for another 10 minutes. He waits in his car. A young teen asks the cop what he was doing just sitting in his car. the cop replies, Im waiting for Susies Legs to open so I can get my free drinks.

Why dont sharks attack lawyers?

…Professional courtesy..