Old and New Jokes

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.

Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?

No, Dopey, responds the Pontiff, there are not.

Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy? Dopey questions.

No, Dopey, the Pope chuckles, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.

Mr Pope, Dopey asks pleadingly, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?

No, Dopey, the Pope says sadly, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.

And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.

Once there were three babys still inside the uterus of their mother.

They were all talking and wondering what each other was going to be when they grew up.



The first baby said, I want to be a fireman so I can put fires out.



The next said, I want to be a carpenter so I can fix this place up.



The last one said, I want to be a hunter so I can kill that bald headed bastard that keeps popping in and out of here!.

Q: How many Gardner-Webb University students does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two – one to throw the old one in the cow pasture and the other to drive to Shelby to get a new bulb.

An appliance that you screw on the bed to keep the house clean.

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.

A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. That will be $6.35, he told the customer.

That really is a little too small, said the woman. Dont you have anything larger?



Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.



This one, he said faintly, will be $6.65.



The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. I know what, she said, Ill take both of them!

Special Report from Rooterz Newz Service, Palm Beach, CA

The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and death of Michael Kennedy in
tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.

The ominous parallels cant be denied:

• William Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO.
• Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA.

• An Aspen is a kind of tree.
• The word Tahoe is Native American for tree.

• Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ Kennedy at the last Republican.
• Kennedy had a secretary named Loni–which rhymes, sort of, with Sonny.

• Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just share.
• Bono was once married to Cher.

• Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself.
• After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized Mayor and then Congressman.

• Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl.
• Bono had a daughter named, ironically, Chastity.

These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree Theory: the idea that in fact there werent two individual trees involved, but rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who would have a reason to target both of these men? The obvious answer is the powerful enforcement arm of the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50s, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bonos House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono. But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man? When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, I dont know what the heck youre talking about.

Indeed!

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, Six shots?! Whats wrong? I found out my older brother is gay, replied the man.



The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. What now? asked the bartender. I found out my younger brother is gay, replied the man.



The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? asked the bartender. The man replied, Yeah, my wife does.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. Im much too young to die! Im only 35!

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, Im afraid that their is no mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours youve billed to your clients, and youre at least 108 years old!