Old and New Jokes

Two husbands leaning on a bar in the pub.

Did you give your wife a lecture on economy like I told you?

Yes, I certainly did.

And what was the result?

Ive got to give up smoking!

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.He said, Im going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol. She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, It looks like youve had a couple of stiff ones.She replied, You mean it shows that, too?!

Its finally come out why George W. is pushing childhood literacy. He wants Americas children to be better off than he is.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened thats so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm…

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in….. 

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,

Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy



Old Man Grumpus – People are stupid. The world can go to

hell. Lets stay home and watch TV. Also known as:

Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow

Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass



Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle



Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,

Big n Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig



Lazybones – Zzzzzz

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,

Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams



The Sneak – Who, me?

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life



Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love like

crazed weasels, OK?

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,

Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused



The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous. I dont

know how, but–

Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag

of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus



Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love

like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.

Old Lem, a hillbilly in the eastern Kentucky mountains, rides up to old Charleys front gate. The gates about a quarter mile from Charleys house. Seeing Charley on the front porch, Lem yells, HEY, CHARLEY….LETS GO FOX HUNTIN!! Charley yells back, OK, ILL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!! In a few minutes, Charley rides his mule down to the gate…..dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin best. What in hell did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?, asked Lem. FOX HUNTIN?, asked Charley, I THOUGHT YOU SAID LETS GO FUCK SUMPTHIN!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ilka!
Ilka who?
Ilka-pone!

Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping
of a particular food.

Rumor has it that Clinton has switched to smoking ciggarettes.

It seems he has decided that cigars are for pussies.