Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly she went to a haunted house and they offered her a job.

Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?

A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a males reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty not only the size of the male and female brains differ but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.

Such men are known in medical terms as Republicans.

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as Democrats.

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as … Mr. President.

This guy goes into a barber shop, and says, I want my hair cut, so that its long here, here, here, and here…, sort of wavy in this section but straight just below, sort of spiked on this diagonal with a slanted taper, and bald patches here, here, here, and here. The barber looked at him and said, I dont think I can do that! Why not? said the guy. You did the last time I was here!

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me. She was not unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that is to say, intense self-absorption.

She approached the consultation like the oysters in The Walrus and The Carpenter, all eager for the treat. Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

Whats your problem? I asked.

I hate myself.

And youve come for a second opinion?

Theodore Dalrymples medical column in the British publication The Spectator, 17 May 1997

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

* 65 degrees:

Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 degrees:

Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 degrees:

Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 degrees:

Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 degrees:

You can see your breath

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 degrees:

Italian cars dont start

* 32 degrees:

Water freezes

* 30 degrees:

You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 degrees:

Ohio water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream

Canadians go swimming

* 20 degrees:

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

New York City water freezes

Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 degrees:

French cars dont start

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 degrees:

You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 degrees:

American cars dont start

* 0 degrees:

Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 degrees:

German cars dont start

Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 degrees:

You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 degrees:

Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

Japanese cars dont start

* -25 degrees:

Too cold to think

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 degrees:

You plan a two week hot bath

Swedish cars dont start

* -40 degrees:

Californians disappear

Minnesotans button top button

Canadians put on sweaters

Your cat helps you plan your trip South

* -50 degrees:

Congressional hot air freezes

Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 degrees:

Hell freezes over

Polar bears move South

Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 degrees:

Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, hes acting.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said, What will you take….30 days or $30.

The man replied, I think Ill take the money.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us,
and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I cant reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me.

5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
Ill change it as soon as Ive led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I havent missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …

13. Greyhound:
It isnt moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd:
First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

15. Poodle:
Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cats Answer:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.