Old and New Jokes

Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe.

Joe asks Frank how hes doing and Frank replies: N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but Ive d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-cant f-f-find a j-j-job.

Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again, and Joe asks Frank how he made out.

Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and Im engaged to the boss daughter.

Thats excellent! Congratulations! replied Joe.

And off they went their separate ways. Another two weeks or so pass, and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street.

Hey, Frank, hows it going? asks Joe.

T-T-T-T-Terrible, says Frank. Im n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and I l-l-l-ost my job!

Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank?

W-w-w-well, the other night I was having dinner at the b-b-boss house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said L-l-l-l-ook, Honey! T-t-t-t-hats w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o to me, but by the time I f-f-f-finished w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls…

A: Dual Airbags.

A man is holding his wifes hand as she lays on her death
bed.

Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass
on.

No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well.

No, Jerry. Ive been carrying this load for years now, and I
must tell you. I, . . ., Ive been unfaithful to you. I
slept with your best friend, Phil. Im so terribly sorry.

Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

Ron Baakkonen U.C. Berkeley

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dont know exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretarys sisters next door neighbors priests cousins union shop stewards uncles Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephews best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Un padre de Tontilandia envía a su hijo a estudiar al extranjero y al paso del tiempo le escribe el siguiente telegrama:

Hijo, te extraño mucho, dime que prefieres: ¿que yo vaya a visitarte o vienes tu a casa?

A la semana el hijo le responde: Si.

El padre envía otro telegrama y le pregunta: Si… ¿qué?

Dos semanas más tarde, el hijo vuelve a responder: Sí, padre.

Una joven pretende entrar a una discoteca, pero el portero la detiene:

¡Aquí sólo se puede entrar con disfraz!

La mujer se va para su casa pensando cómo disfrazarse. En eso, se le ocurre una idea:

¡Ya está, me voy desnuda y pintada de blanco! Se acabó, un disfraz.

Llega a la disco, la dejan entrar y cuando está allí bailando se le acerca un tipo y le pregunta:

Oye, tú vienes de fantasma ¿no?

La tía le lanza con una mirada pícara, levanta una pierna y contesta:

No, hijo, no. ¡Vengo de muela picada, de muela picada!

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Because theyre often under increasing pressure from a society which over- simplifies the process of ascertaining ones worth and attractiveness by reducing someone down to individual physical attributes.



…or is it because theyre ugly and they smell bad?

You came of age in the 60s and dont remember Bob Dylan.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.