Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Its irrelevant; they still dont accept the fact that theyre in the dark!
22
Oct
22
Oct
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?
22
Oct
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
22
Oct
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all your crose. So she did. Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.
So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, OK now crawl reery fass toward me, so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said Your probrem vewy bad,y ou haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.
Confused, the woman asked, What is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang replied, It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
22
Oct
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Yo, homeboys and homegirls, todays list is a Top5 O.L., originally published back in the day (July 3, 1996).
- Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
- The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
- The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
- Alice in WonderBraLand
- The Legend of Three-Card Monte
- 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
- The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
- Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
- Where the Wildings Are
- The Little Big Book of Necrophelia
- The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
- Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
- The Crack House at Pooh Corner
- The Dummys Guide to Crying
- When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
- Wheres Waldos Weewee?
- The Dyslexics Big Anagram Book
- Barneys Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
and Top5s Number 1 Rejected Childrens Book…
- Furious George Delivers the Mail
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
22
Oct
Q: Did you hear about the hillbilly that passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his widow?
A: She cant touch it till she turns fourteen.
22
Oct
Dad, can I ask you something?
Sure! What about?
You see, Im already fourteen and…I think its just proper that I should own one.
And what is this one youre referring to?
Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
No!
My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
Nope!
It will be just proper at my age…
I said no way…!
But all of my friends wear…
Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?
22
Oct
Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
So theyd have something to pick in the off season!
22
Oct
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes."Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student."And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," she said."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up ".
22
Oct
1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2) Always put the blame on something that cant defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3) Whine convincingly.
4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you dont have that headache.
5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.
And now, some excuses:
– I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldnt find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
– The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
– Im taking care of a sick aunt…no, this is a different one.
– The car ran out of gas.
– Well, you never told me I couldnt do that.
– He started it.
– I have jet lag.
– Id really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
– I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
– I missed the bus.
– The alarm didnt go off.
– I couldnt find a parking space.
– The Devil made me do it.
– Drugs made me do it.
– Everybody else does it.
– Thats not my department.
– Our computers down.
– We must have misplaced your original request.
– Its on someone elses desk.
– Dont ask me – I just work here.