Old and New Jokes

this guys in the rear of a full hotel elevator and he shouts ballroom please.
A lady standing in front of him turns and says im sorry, i didnt realize i was crowding you.

A signboard on a halwai shop reads: “Credit only to those above 85 if accompanied by both parents.”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had

been stolen.



He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.



WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness.



No one answered.



ALRIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!



Some of the locals shifted restlessly.



He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.



The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?



The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

What did the blonde chicks left leg say to her right leg?

Long time, no see!

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friends glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

Only one calorie per can, she read aloud.

Hmm, murmured the other blonde.

I wonder which glass has the calorie?

Estaba un tipo sentado en una banca del parque de la ciudad sin un cinco en el bolsillo y con unas ganas terribles de fumar. Desesperado estaba cuando se sienta un tipo en el extremo de la banca y se saca del bolsillo de saco un paquete nuevo de cigarrillos; lo abre, saca uno, lo enciende y se echa una bocanada de humo que se vé que lo saborea.

Nuestro amigo piensa que ya se acabaron sus problemas, por lo que decide pedir a su reciente acompañante un cigarrillo:

¿Me regalas un cigarro? le dice.

El recién llegado lo ve de pies a cabeza y fríamente responde:

No.

Desconcertado, el primero no sabe qué hacer ni decir, por lo que le propone:

¿Me dejas la mitad?

No, responde del modo más indiferente.

Desesperado, nuestro protagonista ruega:

¿Me permites un sorbo?

No, recibe como única respuesta nuestro infortunado amigo.

¿Me podrías regalar la colilla? se aventura a solicitar.

Como única respuesta recibe una mirada de desdén.

Y sin saber qué hacer, qué decir ni cómo convencerlo, se tira de rodillas desesperado al suelo con las manos juntas e implora:

¡QUÉMAME! ¡POR FAVOR, QUÉMAME!

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

Now listen here, the policeman said,

Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you

In that case, said the boy,

Ill kiss its butt and let it go

A black man is dying of thirst in the desert when he finds a gennie in a bottle.
The gennie grants him three wishes.

He says First I want a lot of water, Second I want to be white,
and third I want a lot of pretty naked women to sit on me

When he came to he was a toliet at the Waldorf Astoria.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband enquired as he entered the room.

Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he whispered to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or youll be late for school.
Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
Victor: Give me a good reason
Mother: Youre 34 and youre the Principal!