Really Stupid People
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. I dont do lights. Thats the light crews job.
There are a bunch of blondes in a bar and they are having a good time. One of the blondes suddenly shouts out Drinks on me!! Surprised, the bartender asks What is the occasion? The blonde replies, We completed a puzzle in four weeks and is says on the box 5-6 years.
His home is free of mice and cockroaches — they refuse to live in the
same place as him.
Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
A: Shes the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
10. Youve got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if youre Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
Attorney General John Ashcroft was speaking at an elementary school about rights and freedoms in America. Any questions, he asked. A little boy raised his hand. My name is Billy, and I have two questions. First, why are you using the Patriot Act to limit Americans civil liberties? Second, why havent any weapons of mass destruction been found in Iraq? Just then the bell rang, and Ashcroft stated, Well resume after recess.
Recess ended and Ashcroft again asked, Are there any questions? A little girl raised her hand. My name is Julie, and I have four questions. First, why are you using the Patriot Act to limit Americans civil liberties? Second, why havent any weapons of mass destruction been found in Iraq? Third, why did the recess bell ring ten minutes early? Fourth, wheres Billy?
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.
DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The
reason: scientists have discovered beer in space.
Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol,
to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks
(antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this
category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey
MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear
floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the
Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).
Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas
cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar
system; theres enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400
trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if
you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the
British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the
amount of potential brewski just about doubles.
In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the
end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine
throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion
years. Youd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom
be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion
pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.
The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it
managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying
effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably
complex
molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl
radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. Its not a
compund that is
going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can
lead to speculation: What is this cloud?
1. Its Gods beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the
universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after youve had a
hard week at the office, dont YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in
Gods image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of
the first, and best, Miller Time.
2. Its Purgatory (400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the
wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it
around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred
ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine
hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine
hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of
beer on the wall!)
3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically
dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however:
its reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a
nebula of alcohol, theyd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and
pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to
locate them.
The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle
of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As
the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud
into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater
interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes
of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards
the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in
gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave
Bowman might say, My God! Its full of booze!
Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET
there! Sorry, Chuckles. You cant get there from here. The gas cloud
(which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of G34.3) is
10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked
the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got
there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. Youd have
had time to work up a powerful thirst, but youd also be, in a word,
dead.
No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when
men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine
what they will do when they get there:
Captain Kirk: My….GOD! Sulu! What….is….THAT?
Sulu: Its a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.
Kirk: And weve just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap,
Bones?
Bones: Damn it, Jim! Im a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!
Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, well be
too drunk to drive!
Spock: May I remind you, Captain, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race
of designated drivers.
Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I
will be out on the hull. With our mouths… open!
To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.
Two men were in a pub.
One man said, Did you know that beer contains female hormones?
The other man said, No! Is it true? Yes, said the first man. If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.