Old and New Jokes

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.

Pepito estaba en el colegio y como nadie venía a recogerlo, su profesora le dice: Si quieres vente para mi casa hasta mañana que vengan por ti, y Pepito dijo que si.

Cuando estaban en la casa y ya se iban a dormir, la profesora notó que Pepito estaba un poco triste y le preguntó que le pasaba, a lo que Pepito respondió:

Es que siempre antes de irme a acostar yo me acuesto con mi mamá y le meto me dedito en su ombliguito.

Y la profesora no se le pudo resistir a la inocencia de Pepito y accede.

Pasado ya un buen rato, la profesora le dice con ternura: Pepito, Pepito, ese no es mi ombliguito.

Y Pepito, con una cara de pendejo, responde, Ya se señorita, y tampoco es mi dedito…

Estaba un hombre mayor dando de pastar a su rebaño de ovejas cuando, de repente, aparece por el inhóspito camino una 4×4 completamente equipada y nueva. Para frente al anciano y se baja un galán de no más de 30 años. Sobretodo negro, camisa blanca Hugo Boss y pantalón YSL; se acerca al viejo y lo reta:

Señor, ¿si yo le adivino cuántas ovejas tiene Ud. en su rebaño, me regala una?

El viejo responde con algo de asombro:

Sí, me gustaría saber si adivina.

Entonces, el joven vuelve a su 4×4 y saca una Toshiba Tecra 8000 con 128 MB de RAM; se conecta a la Red de Redes; baja una base de datos de 300 MB y entra a una página de la NASA vía satélite. Después, identifica la zona exacta en donde está el rebaño; calcula el promedio histórico del tamaño de una oveja tipo Merino mediante una tabla dinámica de Excel y, con la ejecución de algunas macros personalizadas en Visual Basic, logra completar el diagrama de flujo del Microsoft Project. Luego de tres horas le responde al vetusto:

Usted tiene 1347 ovejas y 4 pueden estar embarazadas.

El viejo asintió, y le dijo que efectivamente así era y que se llevara su oveja. El joven tomó una oveja y la cargó en la camioneta. Cuando se estaba por ir, el anciano lo detuvo y le preguntó:

Disculpe, pero si yo llegase a adivinar cuál es su profesión, ¿Ud. me devuelve mi oveja?

Seguro hombre, le responde sonriente el joven, mientras abría la puerta de su 4×4 para marcharse.

Usted es consultor.

El joven, sorprendido completamente, comentó:

¡Exacto!

Y mientras le devolvía la oveja que había tomado preguntó:

¿Cómo se dio cuenta?

Primero: Ud. vino sin que yo lo llamara. Segundo: me cobró una oveja por decirme algo que yo ya sé. Tercero: se nota que no conoce nada de mi negocio, porque se estaba llevando a mi perro…

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.



He says, Give me two pickets to Titsburgh…umm…I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh. Hes really embarrassed…



The guy in line behind him says, Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that.



Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, Please pass the sugar, but I accidentally said…



You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the mans work, saying, May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, its like a completely different place — the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have
accomplished together!

Yes, reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!

If you make something idiot-proof, someone, somewhere,
will make a better idiot.

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Little Johnny asked his dad what a vagina looks like. His dad said, Well Johnny, before sex it looks like a nice beautiful rose.

Little Johnny asked his dad, Well, then what does it look like after sex?

His dad replied, Well Johnny, have your ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?

Two nuns were out for a walk when two rapists jumped out of the bushes and attacked them.

After a few moments, one nun cried out, Lord, forgive them, they know not what they do.

The other nun said, Well, I dont know about yours, but this one…