10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends
1. You wouldnt bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesnt mind if you are unshaved, havent showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesnt mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.
Motherhood: If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car and you get about the same results.
To be in your childrens memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Avenge yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere is to let the air out of the tires.
The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads.
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Lifes golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when hes really in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string, handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
A child outgrows your lap but never outgrows your heart.
God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those whove never had any.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mothers age.
Money isnt everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who dont have small children.
Why is it that our children cant read a Bible in school but they can in prison?
How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?
No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost.
The persons hardest to convince theyre at the retirement age are children at bedtime.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George broke a glass or a plate? Spank his monkey.
Chaplain Meemordnilaps Chaplains thought posted earlier was in error. He had St. Nicholas (the original Santa Claus) confused with St. Dracula.
St. Nicholas, as we all know, is said to have lived in a fortress in the arctic region, from which he flew to reward good and punish evil, using the great powers he gained after being rocketed to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton. That is, except when he was disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Please correct all manual and computer copies, and report to your local Inquisitor to have all traces of Meemornilaps heretical teachings erased from your mind.
– Father Talbot, Lycanthropoi Khristoi
Son: Mama, Ive just got part in the school play!
Jewish mama: You have? Thats wonderful. What part have you got?
Son: The Jewish father.
Jewish mama: Couldnt they have given you a speaking part?
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.
The guy said, Ill take it, and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.
The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?
If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?
What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Whats another word for thesaurus?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, does he have the right to be noisy?
How a fool and his money got together in the first place?
A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, We know youre up there; come down. The English guy, thinking fast, says, Twit, twit, twit…
The Germans, thinking that its a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, We know youre up there; come down.
The French guy, thinking fast, says, Woo, woo, woo…
The Germans, thinking that its an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, We know youre up there; come down.
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, Moo, moo, moo…
The Top 16 Least-Noticed Important
Events of the Last 1000 Years 1621: Ouch! This porcupine is a bitch to carve. What say we roast that large bird over there instead? 1879: Thomas Edison gets an idea, and his brother Timmy says, Hey, whats that thing over your head? 1937: On May 6, Christ returns, only this time hes flying in style — on the Hindenburg! 1962: In Moscow, an enraged Nikita Khrushchev bangs his shoe on nuclear missile launch buttons. Fortunately, the Soviet missile-control computer had just moments before run out of kerosene. 1963: Richard Simmons almost loses his virginity. 1069: Little did B.J. Richard, the sixth Duke of Hummer, know that the accidental coupling of his most intimate region with his 3-foot tall mistress would result in a sexual act being named after him. 1843: After years of research, German inventor Gunther Dildo finally finishes his lifelong research. 1997: On June 13, my mom forgot to criticize my housekeeping skills. 1895: In June, Guglielmo Marconi invents the radio. In July, Guglielmo Kasem counts down the Rome Top 40. 1432: The invention of the moveable-type garlic press. 1492: Heads, we name it America; Tails, its Columbus. Loser gets a city in the Ohio Territories. 1541: During a manicure, Henry VIII accidentally invents the pull my finger gag. 1450: Printing press invented by a young Al Gore. 1517: Prior to nailing his 95 Theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Martin Luther nails 3 Ingrids in the choir loft. 1491: Colombus discovers the clitoris. and the Number 1 Least-Noticed Important Event of the Last 1000 Years…
1898: Benny Rabinowitz gets the last open spot on the Braunau Elementary School kickball team, leaving poor little Adolph over there, all by himself.
Yo momma so fat that she robbed a bank and got stuck in the vault door.