Old and New Jokes

51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.

On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the escape key.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. Please dear, I need help. she said.

The husband ran off saying Ill go get some help. A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, Im may be dying and youre putting?

Dont worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help.

The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???

Hey! I told ya not to worry. he said, practice stroking his putt. Everyones already agreed to let him play through.

A general and a young sergeant boarded a train in Germany during the occupation after the war. They occupied a compartment with a grandmother and her 16 year old granddaughter. All sat in complete silence for a great while.

The train went through a long, dark tunnel; there was the sound of a resounding kiss, then the sound of a resounding smack followed by complete silence, and then the train emerged from the tunnel and all sat in complete silence as before.

The grandmother thought, That young soldier tried to kiss my granddaughter and she slapped him. Good for her!

The granddaughter thought, That soldier tried to kiss me, missed and kissed my grandmother and she slapped him. Good for her!

The general thought, That sergeant tried to kiss that young girl. She tried to slap him, but she missed and slapped me!

The sergeant thought, Such a day is never to be expected! Kiss the back of your hand, slap hell out of a general, and get away with it!

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!

Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands,
but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.

Mary: Patrick. I have something to tell you.

Patrick: Well, whats on your mind? You know you can tell me everything.

Mary: Its so terrible.

Patrick: You know you can trust me. What is it?

Mary: Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money
in sight..

Patrick: So, what is it?

Mary: Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn … prostitute!

Patrick: WHAT!

Mary: We needed the money so bad!

Patrick: There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul!
How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!

Mary: Not you, Pat! No! I thought youd understand. I thought you could
still love me, even though I had been a whore.

Patrick: Oh! …You… Well, thats ok. For a moment I thought you
said protestant!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he wont be going to school.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets cant even get aboard.