Old and New Jokes

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his tool. But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed – So, thats how you guys load those things!

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.

He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were one with the land.

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, You see that Indian?

Yeah, says the city-slicker.

Look, says the cowboy, hes listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!

Just then the Indian looks up. Covered wagon, he says, about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.

Incredible! says the cousin to the cowboy.

This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!

The Indian looks up and says…

Ran over me about a half hour ago.

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but theres no poo in the bowl.

The Clean poo – The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.

The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Poo- Thats the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think youve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo thats so enormous youre afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, youve barely got your pants down and youre done.

The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, youd swear its got to be coming out sideways.

The I-think-Im-turning-into-a-bunny Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

The What-the-hell-died-in-here Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you dont warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.

The I-just-know-theres-a-turd-still-dangling-there Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives, she spoke wisely. I agree completely, maam, the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. This bottle of wine wasnt even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship. Thats a great idea, miss, the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. Im sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some? No, thanks, came the reply. Ill just wait on the cops to get here.

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldnt get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, Im not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, Dont lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.
I got a call from a man who asked, Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, No. He said, But they look so close on the map.
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whos luggage belongs to who? I said,No, why do you ask? She replied, Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and Im overweight, is there any connection? After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, How do I know which plane to get on? I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
A woman called and said, I need to fly to Pepsi cola on one of those computer planes. I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, Yeah, whatever.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those. I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.
A woman called to make reservations, I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: Are you sure thats the name of the town? Yes, what flights do you have? replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back ith, Im sorry, maam, Ive looked up every airport code in the country and cant find a Hippopotamus anywhere. The customer retorted, Oh dont be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, You dont mean Buffalo, do you? Thats it! I knew it was a big animal!

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred. Ill die for you!

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, How many times?

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, Well, Im waiting.

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, Well, Im still counting.

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.



— Marty Allen

This is Offensive. If you do NOT want to be offended please do not read on. 😉

Poet

Dear Friends,

My name is Norm and Ive got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me… A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOULL SHIT A PENNY!

Lets look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate you…

Thats 21,250 – OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS… RIGHT OFF THE BAT!

And those people can be used over and over again. Lets say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if theyre the same people who got pissed off at _you_, thats still going to mean ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!!!! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERES NO ONE LEFT… BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOULL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, youll have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But thats nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!

Trust me folks, it works. Its a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! Theyll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOULL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!

Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!

Dear Norm,

I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. Ive become the Michael Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Sincerely,

B. A. Schmuck

Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Norm,

Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was geting sooo sore. But Im sore no more and Im rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass.

Yours Always,

Cherry B. Toodles

Los Angeles, California

Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and youll shit nickels too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit.demon.co.uk and your letter might just be in the next version!

[chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related injuries]

A: Divorced.